Yesterday, 8 November was a day of full moon. According to my birth chart, it was a significant alignment of stars and planets that will feel like an earthquake all in the name of promoting my self growth and development. True to prediction, the past few days I had disagreements and miscommunications with a date, really struggled with surviving the waters, got into a motorcycle accident and woke up vomiting in the middle of night probably due to bad food. I was feeling weak, vulnerable, anxious and triggered but I kept telling myself, it's okay, just give yourself more love. It's okay, you are the baddest bitch who can survive anything. It's okay, everything will be alright. I'm soothing myself with compassion and kind words.
I took my time to process my feelings. Spent time alone sitting with my thoughts and feelings. Spent time doing a bit of EMDR myself. Went to the cranial sacral therapy sessions and psychologist sessions that I had already booked in advance, that was actually lucky. Within 2 days, I'm back to normal. But I'm greedy and I want more. I want to be better than before these events. I don't want these triggers and anxieties to happen again and I'm impatient and I want to heal beyond the level of maturity/anxiety I had before. I want to be even more mature, I want to have less anxiety than before. My EMDR therapist reminded me - you have to go back to childhood. Process things that happened in childhood and created these false beliefs. The triggers today come from the past and comes from family. I cannot go far without going back. I have to go back to the crime scenes, including the almost drowning episode that caused me to stop swimming.
What to do? I guess I could take some time remembering past episodes where I felt like I was not good enough, that I had done something wrong, that I am not worth your love, that I must succeed and perform my ass off to get your approval.