I listened to the audible version of this book by Karyl McBride in early 2014. She has the most soothing and nurturing voice. I was so captivated by the tenderness in the way she speaks and really resonated with the symptoms she described for a daughter of a narcissistic mother.
The most important step for recovering from childhood neglect that most people often skip is to process your feelings. For the longest time, I couldn't understand what "processing your feelings" mean. What are the actual steps or actions you need to take in order to process your feelings? Karyl McBride explained that it is about acceptance and grief and feeling your feelings, i.e. don't distract yourself from feeling bad. She also recommends EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) to help with the processing. I have been listening to EMDR music which provides bilateral stimulation of the brain from time to time and it does help desensitise the emotions so it feels less overwhelming to revisit old trauma.
Processing feelings is very different from just talking about them. To process means to talk about the trauma, and simultaneously feel the pain in a cacophonous, blasting, rock concert. You can tell something in a story without feeling it, but that is not processing. This is the only way to release trauma from your body.
The grief process begins with another decision: to let your feelings be there. Sit with those feelings. Sit with the pain. Manage the anxiety and depression that come with it so you can work through it. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. Others around you may try to do this. No one wants to see you hurt, and your loved ones may not understand how important this is, so don't listen to them. Let yourself feel!
You may begin to try to rationalise away the pain. "I shouldn't feel this way," or "I didn't have it that bad." This won't help. Whatever is there you need to release. Let it be. Sometimes in order to do this you have to be quiet and take time to be alone.