I often fall into the trap of doing things or making decisions based on how things look rather than how it feels. I end up doing a lot of things that look really amazing but end up feeling tired and exhausted. A very good example is all the fashion events I used to go to a few years ago. I loved attending fashion events, I like the photo ops, I like the free gifts, I like seeing pretty looking products, but there are some not so great people at these events. I recall one time I went to a Fendi party and was lining up for the photo booth. I had to rush for my flight to Italy that night so I asked the people in front of me if I can go first. Instead of saying no, they just turned around and pretended they didn't hear anything. They just ghosted me. Also, you tend to meet influencers who are only concerned about taking photos for their followers but you can't hold a real conversation with them. You end up talking about other events they went to and how it was. It is emotionally exhausting because there's very little substance in these conversations. 

At another drinks gathering of influencers and celebrities, I chatted with various people and realise majority of them are lacking attention and confidence and really enjoy talking about themselves without asking a single question about me. In some ways, it's easy to befriend them, you just need to be a good listener and ask about them because they love talking about themselves so much. On the other hand, did you really befriend them or connect with them? They just dumped their issues all over you -- especially when you tell them that you're a part-time psychotherapist.

Back to my original question, do I enjoy spending time with these people? I mean honestly I don't really enjoy majority of them, but is it just about the people? I still love the free gifts and seeing the beautiful products and decor. 

I am in competition with myself - not quite myself but the version of me that you all think I am. I feel so much pressure to live up to people's expectations. For better or worse, I look better than I actually am, in every single way. I've learned to smile through pain and dupe myself into achieving things and get all the external validation to prove that I am a worthy individual. I hate disappointing you but I have to work so hard just to be whoever you think I already am. It takes so much hard work and I want to make it look easy because I don't want your pity. I should get an Oscar for all the diversions and pretence I put up so you'll never guess the truth. It's tiring but I'm trying to be authentic. The thing about authenticity is that you have to be really self-aware and know what is going on so that you can express the truth. When you're duping yourself and you're not aware that you are duping yourself, how can you be truly authentic? The fact that I feel the pressure to compete is evidence that I am trying to be someone I'm not. This madness, I wonder, if all things considered, is actually a good thing. Irrationality drives people to do all sorts of brilliant things and if you weren't mad, you wouldn't have done. You know like those artists who turn heartbreak or depression into beautiful music or works of art? I would really like to transform this unhealthy competition into healthy competition. I would like to achieve things because I truly want to, not because I am afraid that you will look down on me. 

I love this paragraph from Nicole LePera's book "How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self. It reminds me of Carol Dweck's idea of the growth mindset.

"Though there were aspects of my being that were outside my conscious control, that didn't necessarily mean that I was at the whim of my body. It did not mean that because I lived with unresolved trauma and struggled with inflammation and poor vagal tone, I could never change. In fact, just the opposite was true: if my body could learn dysregulated ways of coping, it could also learn healthy routes to recovering. Thanks to epigenetics, we know that our genes are not fixed; thanks to neuroplasticity, we know that the brain can form new pathways; thanks to the conscious mind, we know the power of our thoughts to effect change; thanks to polyvagal theory, we know that the nervous system affects all other systems of the body. As I started to shed layer after layer of ignorance about the connections among my mind, body, and soul, for the first time really witnessing myself, I began to comprehend the potential within to heal. We can unlearn and relearn as adults, even if we've endured significant trauma in our past. We can harness the power of our bodies to heal our minds and the power of our minds to heal our bodies."

Two months ago, I told myself, no more. I need a paradigm shift. Whatever I was doing, whatever I was experiencing, no more. There must be a better way. I had the money and the resources to find the best solutions tailor made for my circumstances. Any problem that can be resolved with money is not a real problem, isn't it? I do not ever want to live life inside a bubble again. 

I am reminded of the Dutch trauma focus program that our EMDR trainer told us about. It's targeted for people with severe trauma and the program involves lots of EMDR (obviously), talk therapy and behavioural activation, i.e. running, swimming, yoga, and other sports, because as we all know, the body keeps the score. I was so intrigued by that program. As someone who aims for the moon and lands on the star, I want to steal some secrets from that program and apply it to my own. The program also reminds me of Run Hong Kong, an NGO that works with refugees and encourages them to run, swim, hike every week. My refugee client became one of the selected few participants and she told me how she had no time to be depressed since she's too busy exercising and learning new skills.

I have obviously done my fair share of interventions, programs and reading. Mindfulness was probably the most helpful for my dissociative symptoms. As my psychologist said, I hadn't master the skills that I was taught. I have learnt the different solutions but I have not resolutely master the skills. Life gets in the way and I've been travelling so much, I haven't had a routine in awhile. I have this app on my phone that tracks the habits that are good for me. I don't open that app for months at a time. I have the solutions but I have to practice it, don't I? Paradigm shift, but I've got to commit, don't I?

In times of crisis, the wise build bridges, while the foolish build barriers.

Yesterday, 8 November was a day of full moon. According to my birth chart, it was a significant alignment of stars and planets that will feel like an earthquake all in the name of promoting my self growth and development. True to prediction, the past few days I had disagreements and miscommunications with a date, really struggled with surviving the waters, got into a motorcycle accident and woke up vomiting in the middle of night probably due to bad food. I was feeling weak, vulnerable, anxious and triggered but I kept telling myself, it's okay, just give yourself more love. It's okay, you are the baddest bitch who can survive anything. It's okay, everything will be alright. I'm soothing myself with compassion and kind words. 

I took my time to process my feelings. Spent time alone sitting with my thoughts and feelings. Spent time doing a bit of EMDR myself. Went to the cranial sacral therapy sessions and psychologist sessions that I had already booked in advance, that was actually lucky. Within 2 days, I'm back to normal. But I'm greedy and I want more. I want to be better than before these events. I don't want these triggers and anxieties to happen again and I'm impatient and I want to heal beyond the level of maturity/anxiety I had before. I want to be even more mature, I want to have less anxiety than before. My EMDR therapist reminded me - you have to go back to childhood. Process things that happened in childhood and created these false beliefs. The triggers today come from the past and comes from family. I cannot go far without going back. I have to go back to the crime scenes, including the almost drowning episode that caused me to stop swimming. 

What to do? I guess I could take some time remembering past episodes where I felt like I was not good enough, that I had done something wrong, that I am not worth your love, that I must succeed and perform my ass off to get your approval. 

I tried surfing for the first time in Padang Padang Beach last month when our friends had booked surfing instructors and offered us to join them, we're like sure. My friend didn't want me to go because I can't swim. She kept asking me if I was sure. I was like whatever let's try it.

Surfing is definitely not what I would go and learn because I don't swim. I doggy paddle. I do back stroke. I actually grew up by the swimming pool and started swimming lessons when I was 4 years old. At 6 years old, one day I was swimming with a floating board at the deep end of the pool, for whatever reason, my older sister snatched the board away from me and I sank. My helper freaked out and jumped in and the life guard jumped in and fished me out. I was okay, maybe drank a bit of water. I jumped back into the pool 5 minutes later but my helper freaked out and forbid me from swimming again. I think the episode traumatised her. 

I didn't know how to be scared but because the adults around me were scared, I learned to be scared of water. The next time I remember swimming is in Canada probably when I was 7 years old. Somehow I didn't feel comfortable in water anymore. I haven't really swam properly with my head under water ever since. 

Considering that I almost drowned before and don't know how to do a front crawl or any type of swimming that involves ducking my head under water, it was super dangerous for me to go out surfing where my feet cannot touch the ground. I had forgot what my starting point was. I sometimes forget who I am and the things that have happened to me. I dupe myself into thinking I'm competent in so many areas and I make decisions as if I was never held back. Gotta be more realistic, kiddo. 

I don't remember when I wrote this. I think it was last year when I indeed completed an 8 week course over a weekend and I was reflecting on my behaviour.

I am an obsessive person. I can complete an 8 week course over a weekend, finish reading a book in a day, fall into a rabbit hole and drill into a subject until I'm satisfied. I like to go with my feelings. I am insatiably curious but I don't want to specialise, at least I tell people that. In reality, I want to specialise in many areas but do not want to be known for one thing so I keep my identity flexible. I like being free. I don't like routines and schedules. I admire Da Vinci and wished I could live long enough to try multiple professions. I am both empty and full of energy. The emptiness feels like a big blank space and provides me with the free capacity to take in new information easily. Like waves in an ocean, I get obsessed and it gets released, I get obsessed and it gets released. I don't like rules. I don't like confining myself to one reality. I just want to do what I want to do and I can change my mind at any time. 

Thank you to the ones who are inspired by my lifestyle and my thoughts and feelings that I post on social media from time to time. Thank you for giving me your appreciation. I'm happy that you feel inspired. I only want to be more me over time and make decisions that are in line with my values and my desires. 

However, there is a minority of haters, too. For those, I would like to say: I would like to stop apologising or feeling bad for being myself. I like what I like. I have my hobbies and you have yours. I would like to stop feeling responsible for your feelings. I don't want to stop living my life just so you can feel less threatened by me. I cannot help you feel less inadequate or jealous or whatever emotion that is bothering you when you look at me. I didn't steal anything from you. I didn't commit any crime. I do not need your approval or acceptance on how I spend my time and money. If you want something that I have, then be willing to pay the price for it. There is a price to everything. You can keep complaining or you can stop paying so much attention to me and just go for what you want. I want you to succeed, too. 

Yesterday I went to a drinks event and felt quite offended by a few trainees. I was having a very interesting conversation with this guy and suddenly was interrupted by two young girls who went straight to talk to the guy and asked about what he does etc and did not even look at me or acknowledge my presence. I was then like "Hi! I'm Sandy, I'm here too." I wonder, did they go straight to talking to the guy because he's male, he's white, he looks older or all of the above? Ironically, he isn't a lawyer and cannot help them in their careers and I felt too offended to be generous with them. Even when I was like saying "Hi, I'm Sandy", one of the girls was too busy looking at her phone to respond. Gen Z syndrome? I don't know. 

In another group conversation, this young male trainee kept being sarcastic and making fun of me for "working in Bali" and saying "sure there was a private debt conference" or "oh yeah sure you were on a panel". I gave him a confused look. There are four of us in this conversation and three of us are senior lawyers, we were all respectful and then there's him the trainee and he found it appropriate to be making fun of me, a person he just met - not once, not twice, but three times. I was so turned off. 

I'm confused how I got myself into getting snubbed by trainees. 

In the latest season of "Love is Blind", there is this guy Matt who was previously married to his high school sweetheart but was cheated on after like 10 years of marriage. Now he's single and fell in love with Collette in the pods on the third season. Even before meeting Collette in person, he was saying to his fellow contestants that he would be crushed if Collette was just playing with him. Even then I was like huh, what prompted this line of thinking? We as the audience know that Collette was genuinely smitten with him. We hear her side of the story. We see her enthusiasm. His insecurity about her intentions is unfounded.

After meeting Collette, we see his insecurity playing out again. He's complaining about her conversation with Cole, the guy that she also went on dates with in the pods. She told Cole that in the real world he would be her type and Matt got upset and threatened to walk. He said I can't marry a girl who says this to a guy. Thankfully, Cole eventually listened to reason and this was resolved the next day. And then later on, Collette was late coming home, she went to a club instead of going home to Matt as he had expected. He flipped out and started packing his bags. He complained to another contestant Bartise about how he can't marry a girl who doesn't do what she says. We all know that Matt was just catastrophising. It's really not that big of a deal. What's really happening is that he got triggered and re-traumatised by his ex's cheating. He doesn't have the self-awareness to see that he's living with tinted glasses - his view of the world and relationships are warped by his trauma. He's afraid that every girl will cheat on him. 

I remember I went on a couple of dates with this guy who also had a recurring complaint. He told me how his ex was always so disrespectful to him and kept saying things that put him down as if he's stupid. I remember we were texting about where he lives and he suddenly flipped out and got mad because he thought my text message conveyed that I thought he was too stupid to know where he lives. I was so caught off guard, like wait what? We were discussing which neighborhood his apartment was in and he got offended and mad because I didn't immediately say he's right. His view of the world is forever tinted by his fear that he's not smart enough.

Truth be told, I also have a recurring complaint. I am afraid that I am not important to people. You ask me why I get upset about things and most of the time I will tell you, I feel like I'm not important to you. Hopefully EMDR has helped me become more self aware and conscious of this biased view that's coloured by my own trauma. I may not be important to certain people but I am important to many people and I shouldn't need to worry about that. 

What are the ways to boost self-esteem? We can practice mindful self-compassion. We can externalise the critic. We can use EMDR to process any limiting belief or use hypnosis to get rid of any subconscious limitations. We can remind ourselves everyday of our great qualities. 

I bought the Self-Esteem book and the Self-Esteem Workbook last year and wanted to work on my self esteem but I didn't take the time to finish the books or do the activities. Have I mastered the skills available to me? No, I have not. I gave up half way. So maybe it's time to do whatever it takes to tackle this very important topic. 

There are so many things that I don't know. Some of these things I felt like I should've known. Had I spoken to more people, had more life experiences, asked more questions, I would've known. I have certain standards of myself, perhaps a wee bit unrealistic, but I expect myself to know a little bit about everything especially what I consider common topics. I beat myself up for not making certain decisions in the past that would have led me to know what I should've known. My psychologist says "should" is fuck all. If I sincerely don't know, why would I beat myself up for something that I don't know? Well because I should've known. He says, the fact is you don't know, end of story.  

For my birthday this year, I thought I would have a really relaxing self-care day where I would have a massage and a facial and a nice lunch before heading to my birthday dinner with friends. Despite making appointments in advance, the day did not go smoothly. The masseuse refused to give me the lymphatic drainage massage that I wanted and the quality was not great. I got a car to this hawker center to get lunch but the whole hawker center was closed although google maps still says it's open. My appointment with dress rental was the wrong date and had to be rescheduled. Then I went to my facial appointment and the clinic was closed. I called the clinic and the headquarters and no one picked up the phone. It was frustrating, as if nothing was going right or as planned. 

While I was waiting outside the clinic, I chanced upon another shop that I was really drawn to. This woman's shop offers craniosacral therapy which I barely heard of and didn't know too much about. I read her website and was captivated by her philosophy. I later booked an appointment with her and she's wonderful. She doesn't just do facial treatments, she's very spiritual and I have never felt so relaxed in my life. The last session I had with her, I was smiling the entire time. Memories of recent events went through my mind as if my brain was sorting and filing moments and those moments made me smile. 

I wonder, is all of reality just chaos or was I meant to have a frustrated moment at this clinic and chance upon her shop? 

I also travelled to Ho Chi Minh City for my birthday and unfortunately had the same frustrating experience. Whatever I booked in advance did not work out and I had to re-think my trip which turned out really well in the end.

Are the higher powers trying to tell me to stop planning in advance or is the universe congratulating me on my resilience? I suppose not everyone gets back up on their feet after plans go awry but the fact that I was keen to make the best out of things and be flexible enough to re-think my plans eventually got me some rewarding results.

​I want a mother just like me. I want a mother I can look up to, someone who pursues her dreams, goes out to the world and make things happen. I want a mother who loves me, who’s warm and kind and would spend quality time with me, be interested in my thoughts and feelings and listen intently to what I have to say. I want a mother who’s empathetic and intuitive and protects me above all else. A mother who’s my cheerleader and support my goals and interests, and provides guidance on how to achieve them. If I am heartbroken, she would be heartbroken with me and hug me and tell me it’s okay. I want a mother who’s sociable and has friends, who’s confident in her own worth, a beautiful and gracious lady. I deserve a loving mother. 

Because I didn’t get the mother that I wanted, I couldn’t be the child that I wanted to be either. What kind of mother counts the bruises that she inflicted on my legs while I’m taking a bath, who pretends that I don’t exist and wouldn’t speak to me for a year and now conveniently has forgotten she did that to me, I didn’t deserve any of that. There’s a hole in my heart because I blamed myself for being not enough for your love. 

Because you all made fun of me for being stupid, I really thought I’m inadequate and didn’t go after the things that are meant for me. I missed out on opportunities because I didn’t think I had it in me. What does it matter if I’m smart or dumb anyway, as if it made any difference to you. You don’t congratulate my wins, I had to beg you to attend my graduation. Do you feel jealous or do you feel guilty for taking no part in my achievements? 

Self blame preserves an emotional connection with one's family. It maintains a shared reality with parents, in which we all agree I'm the bad one.

Self blame avoids alienation and disloyalty (and the negative emotions that go with this) of seeing parents as abusive, critical, or deficient. 

Self blame preserves the illusion of control. If it is my fault, then maybe I can stop it. I can become good enough that bad things won't happen. 

Self blame preserves safety by becoming disentitled to self-expression that would increase the risk of further abuse. It avoids further attack. If you don't stand up, you can't be knocked down. 

Self blame avoids a sense of loss and great grief over a limited or wasted life if you realised you were actually perfectly adequate and lovable all along, in spite of your parents' distorted beliefs and dysfunctional behaviours. 
​
Self blame gives you permission to be incapable. You weren't able to be carefree as a child but now it's your turn. You can avoid the adult responsibilities of coping with demands and pressures by not being seen as capable, so you live your life as a defiant child. 

There are two parts to me. There's the wise one. She's intuitive and has a feel for things. She's rational and she knows what's most likely to happen and she thinks of tactics to win and to protect herself. She's reliable and dependable. Then there's the dreamy one. She's happy go lucky and miraculously brings good things to her life way beyond her imagination. She believes in goodness in humanity and believes love is magical. She's idealistic and is thus fearless and reckless. 

I've always known there are two sides to me. The wise one goes to work everyday and makes money for the dreamy one to spend on woo woo things. The dreamy one everyone loves. She inspires people but I gather she's inspiring precisely cos she shares the same mind and body as the wise one. If the dreamy one was just dreamy, she would just be another idealistic hippy. The wise one everyone respects cos she's ambitious and intense. She says what she means and gets things done. 

The two of me often argues with one another. The dreamy one thinks the wise one often makes decisions out of fear. The wise one thinks the dreamy one's an idiot and not seeing reality. The probability of whatever the dreamy one dreamt up is very low. It's not impossible but the chances of success are not good enough to justify the risks involved. Granted she's often lucky but we can't make decisions based on luck, can we?  

I finished re-listening to the audible version of "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride and there's this paragraph about the importance of grieving that really resonates with me.

"Don't listen to others as you go through this [grieving] process. Well-meaning friends and loved ones often say things like "Forget it already." "You can't undo the past--quit trying." "Quit thinking about the past and be in the present." Those closest to you (and some not so close) will discourage you from doing this important [grieving] work because they do not understand just how important it is. They may not want to see you suffer, so they try to fix it. They don't understand that if you don't face this sadness, it will remain part of you forever. Do not listen to this unqualified advice. This is precisely why so many people today are projecting their feelings, misbehaving, creating crises for themselves and others, suffering from depression and anxiety, and are not being accountable for their own actions and emotions--they're not facing the truth about their own pain. I am giving you, from personal and professional experience, the 'key' to working through the third step of recovery so that it is effective. If you ignore this step out of fear or because you listened to others' opinions, your recovery won't work. This step is the most important step of recovery."

You, and you, and you, and you. All of you who wouldn't let me cry. Those who mean well and those who are manipulative, let me be. I know what I'm doing. 

Dr. Justin Havens came up with a dream completion technique to promote peaceful sleep if you suffer from PTSD nightmares. Fixing the nightmares can help heal the underlying trauma. The technique is pretty straightforward: remember your last nightmare and think about what you want to happen next in the nightmare. The resolution does not need to be moral or realistic. It can be pure fantasy or silly. 

The last significant nightmare I can vividly remember is where I'm in this all-white high ceiling room that opens out to the ocean and I am trapped in huge waves of tsunami slamming against the white wall behind me and I'm trying to hold onto anything so I don't get swept away. Super high waves, way above the floor. It's like that planet in the movie Interstellar with massive tidal waves and no dry land. I would obviously need a magical resolution that involves finding my feet on solid ground. Perhaps I create a protective bubble around me (Sailor Mercury style) so I am unable to drown. This bubble then transports me to green grasslands where I am dropped off and my bare feet touches the earth. There are some big strong trees around that I can hold onto and I can smell bark. It's where I feel safe and grounded. 

There is a type of loyalty that is unappealing and dangerous. We sometimes feel a sense of loyalty to our parents and so whatever sufferings they endured, you might endure the same, so that you can share a similar experience with them, relate to them and lament about the unfairness of the world together. My coach suggested that I reread this book that I really liked "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers". If you grew up in a household where it was all about mom, you can grow up feeling empty and bereft and not understanding why.

When asked how you wish to feel in your ideal future, you may subconsciously want to feel pain. It reminds me of that episode of House of Cards where Jackie Sharp explains why she got tattoos on her body. She was fucked up by what she witnessed in the battlefields and getting tattoos helped her feel the pain that she wanted to feel. It's also why some people cut themselves, so they can feel physical pain for the emotional pain that they cannot place. It's like those lyrics from Lady Antebellum's 'Need You Now', she sings "Guess I rather hurt than feel nothing at all".

​Some people drink and take drugs to numb their pain but numbness itself is a type of suffering for others who actually want to feel pain.  

Grit is often celebrated as a positive character trait. Bite the bullet and endure hardship for success. I have a history of this kind of grit and I am applauded for it. I just learned recently that grit is not necessarily a good trait, especially when I don't know how to give up. Sometimes, the universe does not align, and certain things are not worth pushing for. I should know better than to put all my might into making things work instead of letting them fall apart. 

When do you give up? Isn't that a crazy question to ask? Shouldn't it be easier to give up than to push forward with things? Maybe I should have some grit in learning how to give up and let go. Maybe I should trust my intuition. Things that don't feel right don't feel right for a reason, and there's no need to force myself to feel any other way or push myself to go through with things I made a decision on if it doesn't align with me anymore. I should've been taught how to fail properly.  

What a blessing this book is. I've had the audible version of this book for awhile but never really gotten into it. The thing with self improvement is that it needs to be a continuous process. It's like taking a shower or going to the gym. It needs to be maintained.

Lindsay Gibson succinctly describes how we come up with healing fantasies and play role-self (and deny our true self) to cope with the difficulties in our upbringing. I think one of my healing fantasies is to succeed at everything I do, or at least look like I'm succeeding. If I get high grades, if I'm smart, I might get the love and attention that I need. I should know by now that it's not the best strategy. I cannot guarantee love from good grades. No one loves me for my five degrees and good grades. They may respect me and may even be jealous of me but ain't getting no love. Gotta wake up from this fantasy. 

Another healing fantasy is that people will love me if I have an interesting life or have an interesting perspective on things. Like way back when, instead of being authentic, I might be a bit critical about something just to be a bit French about things and be a bit controversial so I sound smart or something. I was just lame. In fact, reality is the other way around. No one likes you when you're overly critical, it doesn't make you interesting, it makes you difficult. On the interesting life part, I think the younger me literally googled 'how to live an epic life' and tried to find a roadmap on how to live an amazing life that other people want. Once again, it's about what other people want, not about authentically what inspires me. I should do stuff that actually interests me, not how it looks on the outside. 

I first learned about EFT from reading Sue Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight" and during my quarantine in Hong Kong, I started reading her new book "Love Sense". Attachments are all about emotional attunement. From the trainings I attended, I know that I have both anxious and avoidant tendencies. It's like I'm craving closeness and love but that closeness is kind of scary and I need to withdraw because it's too much. I'm watching an old training video from Sue Johnson "Broken Bonds" and how I wished I fit neatly into a withdrawer or a pursuer role. Ultimately, communication and mutual understanding is key. Not just talking about whatever is on our minds, but explaining how we experience the relationship, how it feels to be you. Emotions are not irrational. Even when reactions are induced by historical trauma, that emotional reaction is not irrational. It makes sense given the history. 

My coach recommended that I read this book "What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing" by Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry. It is a heavy book. Of course I read a lot about trauma and am also proficient in processing trauma via EMDR. However, EMDR is for erasing the emotional reactions to trauma to help you process the traumatic episode but it does not teach skills. If you don't know how to love, EMDR cannot help you. 

Chapter 6 specifically focuses on how neglect is traumatic. What didn't happen to you is as important as what did happen to you. The love you did not receive can really mess up your relationships with others.  The most ideal upbringing is to have safe, stable, reliable, nurturing relationships with a few close caretakers. It builds a sense of belonging and knowing deep down that you matter. Full engagement and attention from your caretaker ensures you know that you are important. Dr. Bruce Perry says "You cannot love if you have not been loved."

A cold, disengaged, partially attentive caregiver can have immediate, and potentially lifelong, toxic effects on the developing child. This child may grow up feeling inadequate, unlovable. Even with many gifts and skills, they will feel they are "not enough" as an adult, and that can lead to a host of maladaptive behaviours including. unhealthy forms of attention seeking, self-sabotaging, or even self-destructive behaviours. 

A grown man cried in front of me and it made me all kinds of crazy. His emotions were so raw and so real. I sat there watching him crumble into pieces. I could not save him. The words he used to describe his pain I cannot forget. He’s crying and he’s hurting and there’s nothing I can do. His pain is so deep rooted, it was too much for my heart to handle. All I knew is that he needed love. I wish that he had all the love that he needed growing up, then he wouldn’t be like this. The rawness of his emotions cut me, too. I cannot forget his pain. What kills me is the realisation that he is incapable of being the man I thought he could be, knowing full well that he was floundering at his limits. His personal growth has to start much further down than I had anticipated. I felt sad for all the emotional abuse and injustice that he must have endured, how much he must’ve suffered alone, all the knowledge and information that he does not know and appreciate, the dots he couldn’t connect. He is so flawed and he’s coping the best way he knows how. In many ways, I witnessed something beautiful. It’s the humanity in him. I got to experience his suffering firsthand and see how his very unique mind worked. I was already emotionally invested in his journey. I wanted him to succeed and get whatever he wanted in life. How much I wish he would use this as an impetus to take ten steps forward, adopt a take no prisoners approach and milk everything else that God has given him to his advantage. I hope he doesn’t just sit on his laurels and feel sorry for himself but light a fire under his ass to go for shit that he is more poised to achieve. Some cards you’ve been dealt with sucked but it’s no excuse to play small and pull yourself back from the good cards. I’ve always respected him for his intelligence. His mind is so brilliant and the way he thinks is kind of sweet. That beautiful mind of his I hope he uses to re-strategise and go fucking kill and be a winner. ​