Thank you to the ones who are inspired by my lifestyle and my thoughts and feelings that I post on social media from time to time. Thank you for giving me your appreciation. I'm happy that you feel inspired. I only want to be more me over time and make decisions that are in line with my values and my desires. 

However, there is a minority of haters, too. For those, I would like to say: I would like to stop apologising or feeling bad for being myself. I like what I like. I have my hobbies and you have yours. I would like to stop feeling responsible for your feelings. I don't want to stop living my life just so you can feel less threatened by me. I cannot help you feel less inadequate or jealous or whatever emotion that is bothering you when you look at me. I didn't steal anything from you. I didn't commit any crime. I do not need your approval or acceptance on how I spend my time and money. If you want something that I have, then be willing to pay the price for it. There is a price to everything. You can keep complaining or you can stop paying so much attention to me and just go for what you want. I want you to succeed, too. 

Yesterday I went to a drinks event and felt quite offended by a few trainees. I was having a very interesting conversation with this guy and suddenly was interrupted by two young girls who went straight to talk to the guy and asked about what he does etc and did not even look at me or acknowledge my presence. I was then like "Hi! I'm Sandy, I'm here too." I wonder, did they go straight to talking to the guy because he's male, he's white, he looks older or all of the above? Ironically, he isn't a lawyer and cannot help them in their careers and I felt too offended to be generous with them. Even when I was like saying "Hi, I'm Sandy", one of the girls was too busy looking at her phone to respond. Gen Z syndrome? I don't know. 

In another group conversation, this young male trainee kept being sarcastic and making fun of me for "working in Bali" and saying "sure there was a private debt conference" or "oh yeah sure you were on a panel". I gave him a confused look. There are four of us in this conversation and three of us are senior lawyers, we were all respectful and then there's him the trainee and he found it appropriate to be making fun of me, a person he just met - not once, not twice, but three times. I was so turned off. 

I'm confused how I got myself into getting snubbed by trainees. 

In the latest season of "Love is Blind", there is this guy Matt who was previously married to his high school sweetheart but was cheated on after like 10 years of marriage. Now he's single and fell in love with Collette in the pods on the third season. Even before meeting Collette in person, he was saying to his fellow contestants that he would be crushed if Collette was just playing with him. Even then I was like huh, what prompted this line of thinking? We as the audience know that Collette was genuinely smitten with him. We hear her side of the story. We see her enthusiasm. His insecurity about her intentions is unfounded.

After meeting Collette, we see his insecurity playing out again. He's complaining about her conversation with Cole, the guy that she also went on dates with in the pods. She told Cole that in the real world he would be her type and Matt got upset and threatened to walk. He said I can't marry a girl who says this to a guy. Thankfully, Cole eventually listened to reason and this was resolved the next day. And then later on, Collette was late coming home, she went to a club instead of going home to Matt as he had expected. He flipped out and started packing his bags. He complained to another contestant Bartise about how he can't marry a girl who doesn't do what she says. We all know that Matt was just catastrophising. It's really not that big of a deal. What's really happening is that he got triggered and re-traumatised by his ex's cheating. He doesn't have the self-awareness to see that he's living with tinted glasses - his view of the world and relationships are warped by his trauma. He's afraid that every girl will cheat on him. 

I remember I went on a couple of dates with this guy who also had a recurring complaint. He told me how his ex was always so disrespectful to him and kept saying things that put him down as if he's stupid. I remember we were texting about where he lives and he suddenly flipped out and got mad because he thought my text message conveyed that I thought he was too stupid to know where he lives. I was so caught off guard, like wait what? We were discussing which neighborhood his apartment was in and he got offended and mad because I didn't immediately say he's right. His view of the world is forever tinted by his fear that he's not smart enough.

Truth be told, I also have a recurring complaint. I am afraid that I am not important to people. You ask me why I get upset about things and most of the time I will tell you, I feel like I'm not important to you. Hopefully EMDR has helped me become more self aware and conscious of this biased view that's coloured by my own trauma. I may not be important to certain people but I am important to many people and I shouldn't need to worry about that. 

What are the ways to boost self-esteem? We can practice mindful self-compassion. We can externalise the critic. We can use EMDR to process any limiting belief or use hypnosis to get rid of any subconscious limitations. We can remind ourselves everyday of our great qualities. 

I bought the Self-Esteem book and the Self-Esteem Workbook last year and wanted to work on my self esteem but I didn't take the time to finish the books or do the activities. Have I mastered the skills available to me? No, I have not. I gave up half way. So maybe it's time to do whatever it takes to tackle this very important topic. 

There are so many things that I don't know. Some of these things I felt like I should've known. Had I spoken to more people, had more life experiences, asked more questions, I would've known. I have certain standards of myself, perhaps a wee bit unrealistic, but I expect myself to know a little bit about everything especially what I consider common topics. I beat myself up for not making certain decisions in the past that would have led me to know what I should've known. My psychologist says "should" is fuck all. If I sincerely don't know, why would I beat myself up for something that I don't know? Well because I should've known. He says, the fact is you don't know, end of story.