Competition

I am in competition with myself - not quite myself but the version of me that you all think I am. I feel so much pressure to live up to people's expectations. For better or worse, I look better than I actually am, in every single way. I've learned to smile through pain and dupe myself into achieving things and get all the external validation to prove that I am a worthy individual. I hate disappointing you but I have to work so hard just to be whoever you think I already am. It takes so much hard work and I want to make it look easy because I don't want your pity. I should get an Oscar for all the diversions and pretence I put up so you'll never guess the truth. It's tiring but I'm trying to be authentic. The thing about authenticity is that you have to be really self-aware and know what is going on so that you can express the truth. When you're duping yourself and you're not aware that you are duping yourself, how can you be truly authentic? The fact that I feel the pressure to compete is evidence that I am trying to be someone I'm not. This madness, I wonder, if all things considered, is actually a good thing. Irrationality drives people to do all sorts of brilliant things and if you weren't mad, you wouldn't have done. You know like those artists who turn heartbreak or depression into beautiful music or works of art? I would really like to transform this unhealthy competition into healthy competition. I would like to achieve things because I truly want to, not because I am afraid that you will look down on me.