Ideal Mother

​I want a mother just like me. I want a mother I can look up to, someone who pursues her dreams, goes out to the world and make things happen. I want a mother who loves me, who’s warm and kind and would spend quality time with me, be interested in my thoughts and feelings and listen intently to what I have to say. I want a mother who’s empathetic and intuitive and protects me above all else. A mother who’s my cheerleader and support my goals and interests, and provides guidance on how to achieve them. If I am heartbroken, she would be heartbroken with me and hug me and tell me it’s okay. I want a mother who’s sociable and has friends, who’s confident in her own worth, a beautiful and gracious lady. I deserve a loving mother. 

Because I didn’t get the mother that I wanted, I couldn’t be the child that I wanted to be either. What kind of mother counts the bruises that she inflicted on my legs while I’m taking a bath, who pretends that I don’t exist and wouldn’t speak to me for a year and now conveniently has forgotten she did that to me, I didn’t deserve any of that. There’s a hole in my heart because I blamed myself for being not enough for your love. 

Because you all made fun of me for being stupid, I really thought I’m inadequate and didn’t go after the things that are meant for me. I missed out on opportunities because I didn’t think I had it in me. What does it matter if I’m smart or dumb anyway, as if it made any difference to you. You don’t congratulate my wins, I had to beg you to attend my graduation. Do you feel jealous or do you feel guilty for taking no part in my achievements?