Loyalty and the desire for pain

There is a type of loyalty that is unappealing and dangerous. We sometimes feel a sense of loyalty to our parents and so whatever sufferings they endured, you might endure the same, so that you can share a similar experience with them, relate to them and lament about the unfairness of the world together. My coach suggested that I reread this book that I really liked "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers". If you grew up in a household where it was all about mom, you can grow up feeling empty and bereft and not understanding why.

When asked how you wish to feel in your ideal future, you may subconsciously want to feel pain. It reminds me of that episode of House of Cards where Jackie Sharp explains why she got tattoos on her body. She was fucked up by what she witnessed in the battlefields and getting tattoos helped her feel the pain that she wanted to feel. It's also why some people cut themselves, so they can feel physical pain for the emotional pain that they cannot place. It's like those lyrics from Lady Antebellum's 'Need You Now', she sings "Guess I rather hurt than feel nothing at all".

​Some people drink and take drugs to numb their pain but numbness itself is a type of suffering for others who actually want to feel pain.