What Happened to You?

My coach recommended that I read this book "What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing" by Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry. It is a heavy book. Of course I read a lot about trauma and am also proficient in processing trauma via EMDR. However, EMDR is for erasing the emotional reactions to trauma to help you process the traumatic episode but it does not teach skills. If you don't know how to love, EMDR cannot help you. 

Chapter 6 specifically focuses on how neglect is traumatic. What didn't happen to you is as important as what did happen to you. The love you did not receive can really mess up your relationships with others.  The most ideal upbringing is to have safe, stable, reliable, nurturing relationships with a few close caretakers. It builds a sense of belonging and knowing deep down that you matter. Full engagement and attention from your caretaker ensures you know that you are important. Dr. Bruce Perry says "You cannot love if you have not been loved."

A cold, disengaged, partially attentive caregiver can have immediate, and potentially lifelong, toxic effects on the developing child. This child may grow up feeling inadequate, unlovable. Even with many gifts and skills, they will feel they are "not enough" as an adult, and that can lead to a host of maladaptive behaviours including. unhealthy forms of attention seeking, self-sabotaging, or even self-destructive behaviours.