In elementary school, there was a poster in our classroom that read "Reading is the way to learn". On this page are short reviews and extracts of some of the books that inspired me. I hope it inspires you too.
What can I do when I grow up?
By The School of Life
There is a passage in the book that was quite interesting. "Imagine you are getting dressed -- but you are only allowed to use one hand. It's an intriguing challenge at first and it is possible. But after awhile it's frustrating. It seems so silly not to use your other hand. This little thought experiment is telling us something important. We get frustrated when we can't make use of our abilities." The book lists out 12 types of pleasures which may indicate what sort of jobs you might be interested in.
1. The Pleasure of Making Money
2. The Pleasure of Beauty
3. The Pleasure of Creativity
4. The Pleasure of Understanding
5. The Pleasure of Self Expression
6. The Pleasure of Technology
7. The Pleasure of Helping Others
8. The Pleasure of Leading
9. The Pleasure of Teaching
10. The Pleasure of Order
11. The Pleasure of Nature
12. The Pleasure of Independence
There are a few of these that resonate with me but the pleasure of creativity attracts me the most. I like doing things in a new way. I like making things better. In fact, when I took that "why" test to figure out my purpose, the result was that I want to make things better. I guess that is why I love taking classes and reading self improvement books so much.
By The School of Life
There is a passage in the book that was quite interesting. "Imagine you are getting dressed -- but you are only allowed to use one hand. It's an intriguing challenge at first and it is possible. But after awhile it's frustrating. It seems so silly not to use your other hand. This little thought experiment is telling us something important. We get frustrated when we can't make use of our abilities." The book lists out 12 types of pleasures which may indicate what sort of jobs you might be interested in.
1. The Pleasure of Making Money
2. The Pleasure of Beauty
3. The Pleasure of Creativity
4. The Pleasure of Understanding
5. The Pleasure of Self Expression
6. The Pleasure of Technology
7. The Pleasure of Helping Others
8. The Pleasure of Leading
9. The Pleasure of Teaching
10. The Pleasure of Order
11. The Pleasure of Nature
12. The Pleasure of Independence
There are a few of these that resonate with me but the pleasure of creativity attracts me the most. I like doing things in a new way. I like making things better. In fact, when I took that "why" test to figure out my purpose, the result was that I want to make things better. I guess that is why I love taking classes and reading self improvement books so much.
Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love
By Jessica Baum
Those who have predominantly anxious attachment can get pretty obsessed about getting external validation that they are lovable. The need to cling to reassurance from their partner that they are lovable out of fear and insecurity creates disproportionately selfish demands that often lead to the very abandonment that they fear. Rather than relying on our own inner resources in times of need, they turn to their partners to make them feel whole again. Their hypersensitive attachment system makes them place their availability to their partner first as a default setting and push all their other needs and priorities to the back burner. It is pretty tiring to be constantly watching for indications that something is wrong.
People who have secure attachment are able to offer their love and support to their partner without losing. their sense of self so they can easily transition from a feeling of being closely connected to more on their own without becoming afraid that the relationship is ending.
By Jessica Baum
Those who have predominantly anxious attachment can get pretty obsessed about getting external validation that they are lovable. The need to cling to reassurance from their partner that they are lovable out of fear and insecurity creates disproportionately selfish demands that often lead to the very abandonment that they fear. Rather than relying on our own inner resources in times of need, they turn to their partners to make them feel whole again. Their hypersensitive attachment system makes them place their availability to their partner first as a default setting and push all their other needs and priorities to the back burner. It is pretty tiring to be constantly watching for indications that something is wrong.
People who have secure attachment are able to offer their love and support to their partner without losing. their sense of self so they can easily transition from a feeling of being closely connected to more on their own without becoming afraid that the relationship is ending.
The Obstacle is The Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph
By Ryan Holiday
This book is very motivating. I read the preface and was captivated. He asked, "Whatever we face, we have a choice: Will we be blocked by obstacles, or will we advance through and over them? ... Will you stand up and show us what you're made of?"
Bad companies are destroyed by crisis. Good companies survive them. Great companies are improved by them. Great individuals like great companies find a way to transform weakness into strength. It's a rather amazing and even touching feat. They took what should have held them back--what in fact might be holding you back right this very second--and used it to move forward.
Not "be positive" but learn to be ceaselessly creative and capture opportunities. Not: This is not so bad. But: I can make this good.
We decide what we will make of each and every situation. We decide whether we'll break or whether we'll resist. We decide whether we'll assent or reject. No one can force us to give up or to believe something that is untrue (such as, that a situation is absolutely hopeless or impossible to improve). Our perceptions are the thing that we're in complete control of. They can throw us in jail, label us, deprive us of our possessions, but they'll never control our thoughts, our beliefs, our reactions. Which is to say, we are never completely powerless.
If we have our wits fully about us, we can step back and remember that situations, by themselves, cannot be good or bad. This is a judgment that we as human beings bring to them with our perceptions. There is no good or bad without us, there is only perception. There is the event itself and the story we tell ourselves about what it means. A mistake becomes training.
Just because your mind tells you that something is awful or evil or unplanned or otherwise negative doesn't mean you have to agree. Just because other people say that something is hopeless or crazy or broken to pieces doesn't mean it is. We decide what story to tell ourselves. Or whether we will tell one at all.
The observing eye sees events, clear of distractions, exaggerations, and misperceptions. The perceiving eye sees "insurmountable obstacles" or "major setbacks" or even just "issues". It brings its own issues to the fight. The former is helpful, the latter is not.
By Ryan Holiday
This book is very motivating. I read the preface and was captivated. He asked, "Whatever we face, we have a choice: Will we be blocked by obstacles, or will we advance through and over them? ... Will you stand up and show us what you're made of?"
Bad companies are destroyed by crisis. Good companies survive them. Great companies are improved by them. Great individuals like great companies find a way to transform weakness into strength. It's a rather amazing and even touching feat. They took what should have held them back--what in fact might be holding you back right this very second--and used it to move forward.
Not "be positive" but learn to be ceaselessly creative and capture opportunities. Not: This is not so bad. But: I can make this good.
We decide what we will make of each and every situation. We decide whether we'll break or whether we'll resist. We decide whether we'll assent or reject. No one can force us to give up or to believe something that is untrue (such as, that a situation is absolutely hopeless or impossible to improve). Our perceptions are the thing that we're in complete control of. They can throw us in jail, label us, deprive us of our possessions, but they'll never control our thoughts, our beliefs, our reactions. Which is to say, we are never completely powerless.
If we have our wits fully about us, we can step back and remember that situations, by themselves, cannot be good or bad. This is a judgment that we as human beings bring to them with our perceptions. There is no good or bad without us, there is only perception. There is the event itself and the story we tell ourselves about what it means. A mistake becomes training.
Just because your mind tells you that something is awful or evil or unplanned or otherwise negative doesn't mean you have to agree. Just because other people say that something is hopeless or crazy or broken to pieces doesn't mean it is. We decide what story to tell ourselves. Or whether we will tell one at all.
The observing eye sees events, clear of distractions, exaggerations, and misperceptions. The perceiving eye sees "insurmountable obstacles" or "major setbacks" or even just "issues". It brings its own issues to the fight. The former is helpful, the latter is not.
Elevate: Push beyond your limits and unlock success in yourself and others
By Robert Glazer
I highly recommend this book. "Capacity Building" means the method by which individuals seek, acquire and develop the skills and abilities to consistently perform at a higher level in pursuit of their innate potential. It is not about doing more but doing more of the right things. The art of capacity building is knowing where you need to invest your energy and where you need to pull away.
Peter Drucker once wrote, "There is surely nothing quite so useless as doing with great efficiency what should not be done at all."
When you see two people of seemingly equal intellectual and physical capacity achieving very different outcomes, it is quite likely due to an imbalance in emotional capacity. Great relationships encourage you to be better and give you energy. Relationships advance our personal and professional lives, contributing greatly to our successes. We focus on long-time outcomes, meaningful relationships, and genuine connections with our clients, teammates, and partners. We believe that competence and character are fundamental to relationships built on trust and that quality relationships allow us to achieve more.
It is vital to be intentional about surrounding yourself with like-minded people who can help you grow and fulfil your potential. As Jim Rohn once said, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with."
By Robert Glazer
I highly recommend this book. "Capacity Building" means the method by which individuals seek, acquire and develop the skills and abilities to consistently perform at a higher level in pursuit of their innate potential. It is not about doing more but doing more of the right things. The art of capacity building is knowing where you need to invest your energy and where you need to pull away.
Peter Drucker once wrote, "There is surely nothing quite so useless as doing with great efficiency what should not be done at all."
- Spiritual capacity is about understanding who you are, what you want most and the standards you want to live by each day.
- Intellectual capacity is about how you improve your ability to think, learn, plan and execute with discipline.
- Physical capacity is your health, well-being and physical performance.
- Emotional capacity is how you react to challenging situations, your emotional mindset and the quality of your relationships.
When you see two people of seemingly equal intellectual and physical capacity achieving very different outcomes, it is quite likely due to an imbalance in emotional capacity. Great relationships encourage you to be better and give you energy. Relationships advance our personal and professional lives, contributing greatly to our successes. We focus on long-time outcomes, meaningful relationships, and genuine connections with our clients, teammates, and partners. We believe that competence and character are fundamental to relationships built on trust and that quality relationships allow us to achieve more.
It is vital to be intentional about surrounding yourself with like-minded people who can help you grow and fulfil your potential. As Jim Rohn once said, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with."
The Psychology of Money
By Morgan Housel
Morgan emphasised that our investment decisions are based on our unique experiences, e.g. those who grew up with high inflation invested less money on bonds compared to those who grew up with low inflation. There is also a difference between getting wealthy and staying wealth: the former requires taking risks, being optimistic and putting yourself out there, whereas the latter requires humility, frugality and fear that what you've made can be taken away. Your success as an investor is determined by how you respond to punctuated moments of terror, not the years spent on cruise control. The most powerful way to increase your savings is not to raise your income, but your humility.
There is home bias to our investment in that we tend to invest in assets from the country we live in which is not rational when you consider that we are effectively investing in strangers. It is the familiarity with our home jurisdiction that helps us take a leap of faith to remain backing those strangers. History is littered with good ideas taken too far, which are indistinguishable from bad ideas.
Things that have never happened before happen all the time. Many investors fall into the "historians as prophets" fallacy: an over-reliance on past data as a signal to future conditions in a field where innovation and change are the lifeblood of progress. The lesson to learn from surprises is that the world is surprising.
Investors often innocently take cues from other investors who are playing a different game than they are, e.g. day traders trade on momentum and could accomplish what they need whether a stock is at $5 a share or $500 a share as long as it moved in the right direction that day. Bubbles are not so much about valuations rising but time horizons shrinking as more short-term traders enter the playing field. For example, it is hard to justify paying $700,000 for a two bedroom home to raise your family in for the next 10 years but makes perfect sense if you intend to flip the home in a few months in a market with rising prices to make a quick profit. Thus, it is most important to understand your own time horizon and not being persuaded by actions and behaviours of people playing different games than you are.
Growth is driven by compounding, which always takes time. Destruction is driven by single points of failure, which can happen in seconds, and loss of confidence, which can happen in an instant.
By Morgan Housel
Morgan emphasised that our investment decisions are based on our unique experiences, e.g. those who grew up with high inflation invested less money on bonds compared to those who grew up with low inflation. There is also a difference between getting wealthy and staying wealth: the former requires taking risks, being optimistic and putting yourself out there, whereas the latter requires humility, frugality and fear that what you've made can be taken away. Your success as an investor is determined by how you respond to punctuated moments of terror, not the years spent on cruise control. The most powerful way to increase your savings is not to raise your income, but your humility.
There is home bias to our investment in that we tend to invest in assets from the country we live in which is not rational when you consider that we are effectively investing in strangers. It is the familiarity with our home jurisdiction that helps us take a leap of faith to remain backing those strangers. History is littered with good ideas taken too far, which are indistinguishable from bad ideas.
Things that have never happened before happen all the time. Many investors fall into the "historians as prophets" fallacy: an over-reliance on past data as a signal to future conditions in a field where innovation and change are the lifeblood of progress. The lesson to learn from surprises is that the world is surprising.
Investors often innocently take cues from other investors who are playing a different game than they are, e.g. day traders trade on momentum and could accomplish what they need whether a stock is at $5 a share or $500 a share as long as it moved in the right direction that day. Bubbles are not so much about valuations rising but time horizons shrinking as more short-term traders enter the playing field. For example, it is hard to justify paying $700,000 for a two bedroom home to raise your family in for the next 10 years but makes perfect sense if you intend to flip the home in a few months in a market with rising prices to make a quick profit. Thus, it is most important to understand your own time horizon and not being persuaded by actions and behaviours of people playing different games than you are.
Growth is driven by compounding, which always takes time. Destruction is driven by single points of failure, which can happen in seconds, and loss of confidence, which can happen in an instant.
Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now
By Meg Jay
Some of the ideas presented in the book I had intuitively knew but didn't quite have the vocabulary to explain it such as the concept of "identity capital". Overall a great book that succinctly presented a few areas of life that would be ideal to prioritise in your twenties.
More often, identities and careers are made not out of college majors and GPAs but out of a couple of door-opening pieces of identity capital. Identity Capital is our collection of personal assets. It is the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become part of who we are. Some identity capital goes on a resume, such as degrees, jobs, test scores, and clubs. Other identity capital is more personal, such as how we speak, where we are from, how we solve problems, how we look. Identity capital is how we build ourselves--bit by bit, over time. Most importantly, identity capital is what we bring to the adult marketplace. It is the currency we use to metaphorically purchase jobs and relationships and other things we want.
While your closest friends help us survive, it does not help us thrive. However, weak ties promote, and sometimes even force, thoughtful growth and change. As we look for jobs or relationships or opportunities of any kind, it is the people we know the least well who will be the most transformative.
When we make choices, we open ourselves up to hard work and failure and heartbreak, so sometimes it feels easier not to know, not to choose, and not to do. Not making choices isn't safe. The consequences are just further away in time, like in your thirties or forties. If you don't say yes to something, your life will become unremarkable and limited. You can't pull some great career out of a hat in your thirties. You've got to start in your twenties.
Neuroticism, or the tendency to be anxious, stressed, critical, and moody, is far more predictive of relationship unhappiness and dissolution than is personality dissimilarity. While personality similarity can help the years run smoothly, any two people will be different in some way or another. How a person responds to these differences can be more important than the differences themselves. To a person who runs high in Neuroticism, differences are seen in a negative light. Anxiety and judgments about these differences then lead to criticism and contempt, two leading relationship killers.
We may not have control over every situation but we could control how we interpret them and how we react to them. Jobs and relationships usually aren't that fragile. For those with a growth mindset, failures may sting but they are also viewed as opportunities for improvement and change. Real confidence comes from mastery experiences, which are actual, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult. Feeling better doesn't come from avoiding adulthood, it comes from investing in adulthood.
"Yes is how you get your first job, and your next job, and your spouse, and even your kids. Even if it's a bit edgy, a bit out of your comfort zone, saying yes means you will do something new, meet someone new, and make a difference."
Eric Schmidt
By Meg Jay
Some of the ideas presented in the book I had intuitively knew but didn't quite have the vocabulary to explain it such as the concept of "identity capital". Overall a great book that succinctly presented a few areas of life that would be ideal to prioritise in your twenties.
More often, identities and careers are made not out of college majors and GPAs but out of a couple of door-opening pieces of identity capital. Identity Capital is our collection of personal assets. It is the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become part of who we are. Some identity capital goes on a resume, such as degrees, jobs, test scores, and clubs. Other identity capital is more personal, such as how we speak, where we are from, how we solve problems, how we look. Identity capital is how we build ourselves--bit by bit, over time. Most importantly, identity capital is what we bring to the adult marketplace. It is the currency we use to metaphorically purchase jobs and relationships and other things we want.
While your closest friends help us survive, it does not help us thrive. However, weak ties promote, and sometimes even force, thoughtful growth and change. As we look for jobs or relationships or opportunities of any kind, it is the people we know the least well who will be the most transformative.
When we make choices, we open ourselves up to hard work and failure and heartbreak, so sometimes it feels easier not to know, not to choose, and not to do. Not making choices isn't safe. The consequences are just further away in time, like in your thirties or forties. If you don't say yes to something, your life will become unremarkable and limited. You can't pull some great career out of a hat in your thirties. You've got to start in your twenties.
Neuroticism, or the tendency to be anxious, stressed, critical, and moody, is far more predictive of relationship unhappiness and dissolution than is personality dissimilarity. While personality similarity can help the years run smoothly, any two people will be different in some way or another. How a person responds to these differences can be more important than the differences themselves. To a person who runs high in Neuroticism, differences are seen in a negative light. Anxiety and judgments about these differences then lead to criticism and contempt, two leading relationship killers.
We may not have control over every situation but we could control how we interpret them and how we react to them. Jobs and relationships usually aren't that fragile. For those with a growth mindset, failures may sting but they are also viewed as opportunities for improvement and change. Real confidence comes from mastery experiences, which are actual, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult. Feeling better doesn't come from avoiding adulthood, it comes from investing in adulthood.
"Yes is how you get your first job, and your next job, and your spouse, and even your kids. Even if it's a bit edgy, a bit out of your comfort zone, saying yes means you will do something new, meet someone new, and make a difference."
Eric Schmidt
Designing Your Life
By Bill Burnett and Dave Evans
Bill and Dave are the famous professors at the Stanford d.school that came up with this groundbreaking idea that we can apply design thinking principles to our life design. The first chapter about starting where you are is quite inspiring. The authors divide our life into four dimensions: Work, Play, Love and Health. In these four areas, you can decide if you are where you want to be. If not, that's what you want to pay attention to.
The authors also break down dysfunctional beliefs to be reframed. One that resonated with me the most is the belief that if you are successful, you will be happy. It's not true. No matter how much you accomplish, it doesn't mean anything if you don't actually care about the accomplishment. The reframe they suggest is that true happiness comes from designing a life that works for you. Another dysfunctional belief is that happiness is having it all. The reframe they suggest is happiness is letting go of what you don't need.
I also quite like the idea of logging your failures and identifying growth insights. The premise is that life is not a finite game with winners and losers - it is a process and there are no winners and losers. The goal is to become a more you version of you. Become more you over time.
By Bill Burnett and Dave Evans
Bill and Dave are the famous professors at the Stanford d.school that came up with this groundbreaking idea that we can apply design thinking principles to our life design. The first chapter about starting where you are is quite inspiring. The authors divide our life into four dimensions: Work, Play, Love and Health. In these four areas, you can decide if you are where you want to be. If not, that's what you want to pay attention to.
The authors also break down dysfunctional beliefs to be reframed. One that resonated with me the most is the belief that if you are successful, you will be happy. It's not true. No matter how much you accomplish, it doesn't mean anything if you don't actually care about the accomplishment. The reframe they suggest is that true happiness comes from designing a life that works for you. Another dysfunctional belief is that happiness is having it all. The reframe they suggest is happiness is letting go of what you don't need.
I also quite like the idea of logging your failures and identifying growth insights. The premise is that life is not a finite game with winners and losers - it is a process and there are no winners and losers. The goal is to become a more you version of you. Become more you over time.
The Girl with Seven Names
By Hyeonseo Lee
This autobiography by a North Korean defector is a very easy read because it is written more like a fictional novel whereby each chapter ends with a cliffhanger. There were a few bits of the book that really struck me. First, she was insanely lucky. She was never forced to work as a sex worker. She didn't have to sneak into China or Mongolia or South East Asia because she had family in China and she managed to buy herself a PRC ID card which allowed her to fly to Seoul to claim asylum. Her first serious boyfriend in China was a young and rich South Korean who lived in Gangnam. In fact, she has been very lucky in love. She came across some really good people who liked and respected her. Her second boyfriend is her current American husband who is patient and understanding. And of course there was that famous encounter with the Australian Dick Stolp who gave her hundreds of dollars in Laos in order to bribe the officials to release her brother and her mother.
I was also really into her stories about her childhood. The brainwashing in North Korea is real. First, it reinforces the fact that children are vulnerable. If you tell kids that santa claus exists, then santa claus exists. For North Korean children, they were told that the Kims are supernational beings who can change the weather with their minds. If kids or adults can be tricked into believing in ridiculous lies then we can also re-program our minds into more positive messaging. Brain plasticity, you know? Never too late to be our higher self.
By Hyeonseo Lee
This autobiography by a North Korean defector is a very easy read because it is written more like a fictional novel whereby each chapter ends with a cliffhanger. There were a few bits of the book that really struck me. First, she was insanely lucky. She was never forced to work as a sex worker. She didn't have to sneak into China or Mongolia or South East Asia because she had family in China and she managed to buy herself a PRC ID card which allowed her to fly to Seoul to claim asylum. Her first serious boyfriend in China was a young and rich South Korean who lived in Gangnam. In fact, she has been very lucky in love. She came across some really good people who liked and respected her. Her second boyfriend is her current American husband who is patient and understanding. And of course there was that famous encounter with the Australian Dick Stolp who gave her hundreds of dollars in Laos in order to bribe the officials to release her brother and her mother.
I was also really into her stories about her childhood. The brainwashing in North Korea is real. First, it reinforces the fact that children are vulnerable. If you tell kids that santa claus exists, then santa claus exists. For North Korean children, they were told that the Kims are supernational beings who can change the weather with their minds. If kids or adults can be tricked into believing in ridiculous lies then we can also re-program our minds into more positive messaging. Brain plasticity, you know? Never too late to be our higher self.
High Magick
by Damien Echols
I met the author Damien Echols at the Sounds True Gathering in Sept 2019. I was so impressed by him and his story that I bought his book with his autograph and watched all the documentaries about him. In his book, he emphasised the power of meditation:
Meditation empowers you to notice where your attention is going to and steer it accordingly. Most people aren't aware of just how much they're missing from life. They're distracted by so much stimulation, trapped in loops of internal dialogue, reliving past events, and feeling anxious about what's going to happen tomorrow. And it's so easy to carry on like this until the grave, never actually experiencing the richness of life, of the present moment. Meditation changes all of this. It enables you to pay attention to the present moment and train your mind to do what you want it to do. Meditation enhances your natural ability to be alert and aware.
by Damien Echols
I met the author Damien Echols at the Sounds True Gathering in Sept 2019. I was so impressed by him and his story that I bought his book with his autograph and watched all the documentaries about him. In his book, he emphasised the power of meditation:
Meditation empowers you to notice where your attention is going to and steer it accordingly. Most people aren't aware of just how much they're missing from life. They're distracted by so much stimulation, trapped in loops of internal dialogue, reliving past events, and feeling anxious about what's going to happen tomorrow. And it's so easy to carry on like this until the grave, never actually experiencing the richness of life, of the present moment. Meditation changes all of this. It enables you to pay attention to the present moment and train your mind to do what you want it to do. Meditation enhances your natural ability to be alert and aware.
The Universe Has Your Back
By Gabrielle Bernstein
Gabrielle believes that the moment you choose to disconnect from the loving presence of the Universe, you lose sight of the safety, security, and clear guidance that is otherwise available to you. The moment you realign with love and stop relying on your own strength, clear direction will be presented. The presence of love will always cast out fear.
Success is an inside job. Whenever you notice yourself discount from the presence of love, simply say this prayer to come back to peace, "I witness that I'm out of alignment with my power. I choose to see peace instead of this." This prayer will reconnect you to your desire to be in union with your creative power. Remember that your intentions create your reality.
You are the dreamer of your dream.
By Gabrielle Bernstein
Gabrielle believes that the moment you choose to disconnect from the loving presence of the Universe, you lose sight of the safety, security, and clear guidance that is otherwise available to you. The moment you realign with love and stop relying on your own strength, clear direction will be presented. The presence of love will always cast out fear.
Success is an inside job. Whenever you notice yourself discount from the presence of love, simply say this prayer to come back to peace, "I witness that I'm out of alignment with my power. I choose to see peace instead of this." This prayer will reconnect you to your desire to be in union with your creative power. Remember that your intentions create your reality.
You are the dreamer of your dream.
Gifts From a Challenging Childhood: Creating a Practice for Becoming Your Healthiest Self
By Jan Bergstrom
The author studied the developmental immaturity framework (formerly known as codependency) from Pia Mellody of The Meadows. It is a much easier and concise read than Pia Mellody's books so I really appreciate Bergstrom's examples and perspectives. There are five core areas to address developmental immaturity.
1. Loving the Self - Self Esteem
2. Protecting the Self - Boundaries
3. Knowing the Self - Being Real or Authentic
4. Taking Care of the Self - Needs and Wants in relationship with Others
5. Balancing the Self - Moderation
By Jan Bergstrom
The author studied the developmental immaturity framework (formerly known as codependency) from Pia Mellody of The Meadows. It is a much easier and concise read than Pia Mellody's books so I really appreciate Bergstrom's examples and perspectives. There are five core areas to address developmental immaturity.
1. Loving the Self - Self Esteem
2. Protecting the Self - Boundaries
3. Knowing the Self - Being Real or Authentic
4. Taking Care of the Self - Needs and Wants in relationship with Others
5. Balancing the Self - Moderation
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child
By John Bradshaw
This book was written in 1992 and I suspect that most inner child therapy books or programs have copied bits and pieces from John's methodology. Most practitioners just refer to inner child as some younger version of yourself who was dependent and didn't get the love that you needed. The issue with that is that childhood is over many years and lots of different things happen over the course of those 10+ years. John does a great job of breaking down childhood to different stages and specifically addresses our different needs at each stage of childhood.
Until we do the original pain work, our future will always be contaminated by the pain from our past. For example, a person who never learned to trust confuses intensity with intimacy, obsession with care and control with security. Also, a witness to violence is a victim of violence. Acting out, or reenacting, is one of the most devastating ways in which our wounded inner child sabotages our lives.
When a child is wounded through neglect or abuse, his boundaries are violated. This sets the child up for fears of being either abandoned or engulfed. When a person know who he is, he doesn't fear being engulfed. When he has a sense of self-value and self-confidence, he doesn't fear being abandoned. Without strong boundaries, we cannot know where we end and others begin. We have trouble saying no and knowing what we want, which are crucial behaviours for establishing intimacy.
When our inner child is wounded, we feel empty and depressed. Life has a sense of unreality about it; we are there, but we are not in it. This emptiness leads to loneliness. Because we are never who we really are, we are never truly present. And even if people admire and hang on to us, we feel alone.
The frustration of a child's desire to be loved as a person and to have his love accepted is the greatest trauma that a child can experience. Parents need to give their children time, attention and direction, not use them to fill their own need. Use is abuse.
The wounded inner child is filled with unresolved energy resulting from the sadness of childhood trauma. One of the reasons we have sadness is to complete painful events of the past, so that our energy can be available for the present. When we are not allowed to grieve, the energy is frozen. Something that is actually trivial or quite innocuous is reacted to with intense emotion. This is a case of responding to what isn't there on the outside because it is still there on the inside.
These are the stages of childhood that we need to reclaim:
Infant Self: 0-9 months old
Toddler Self: 9 months - 3 years old
Preschool Self: 3 years - 6 years old
School-Age Self: 6 years to puberty
Adolescence: 13 years - 26 years old
By John Bradshaw
This book was written in 1992 and I suspect that most inner child therapy books or programs have copied bits and pieces from John's methodology. Most practitioners just refer to inner child as some younger version of yourself who was dependent and didn't get the love that you needed. The issue with that is that childhood is over many years and lots of different things happen over the course of those 10+ years. John does a great job of breaking down childhood to different stages and specifically addresses our different needs at each stage of childhood.
Until we do the original pain work, our future will always be contaminated by the pain from our past. For example, a person who never learned to trust confuses intensity with intimacy, obsession with care and control with security. Also, a witness to violence is a victim of violence. Acting out, or reenacting, is one of the most devastating ways in which our wounded inner child sabotages our lives.
When a child is wounded through neglect or abuse, his boundaries are violated. This sets the child up for fears of being either abandoned or engulfed. When a person know who he is, he doesn't fear being engulfed. When he has a sense of self-value and self-confidence, he doesn't fear being abandoned. Without strong boundaries, we cannot know where we end and others begin. We have trouble saying no and knowing what we want, which are crucial behaviours for establishing intimacy.
When our inner child is wounded, we feel empty and depressed. Life has a sense of unreality about it; we are there, but we are not in it. This emptiness leads to loneliness. Because we are never who we really are, we are never truly present. And even if people admire and hang on to us, we feel alone.
The frustration of a child's desire to be loved as a person and to have his love accepted is the greatest trauma that a child can experience. Parents need to give their children time, attention and direction, not use them to fill their own need. Use is abuse.
The wounded inner child is filled with unresolved energy resulting from the sadness of childhood trauma. One of the reasons we have sadness is to complete painful events of the past, so that our energy can be available for the present. When we are not allowed to grieve, the energy is frozen. Something that is actually trivial or quite innocuous is reacted to with intense emotion. This is a case of responding to what isn't there on the outside because it is still there on the inside.
These are the stages of childhood that we need to reclaim:
Infant Self: 0-9 months old
Toddler Self: 9 months - 3 years old
Preschool Self: 3 years - 6 years old
School-Age Self: 6 years to puberty
Adolescence: 13 years - 26 years old
How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self
By Nicole LePera
I love this paragraph from Nicole LePera's book. It reminds me of Carol Dweck's idea of the growth mindset.
"Though there were aspects of my being that were outside my conscious control, that didn't necessarily mean that I was at the whim of my body. It did not mean that because I lived with unresolved trauma and struggled with inflammation and poor vagal tone, I could never change. In fact, just the opposite was true: if my body could learn dysregulated ways of coping, it could also learn healthy routes to recovering. Thanks to epigenetics, we know that our genes are not fixed; thanks to neuroplasticity, we know that the brain can form new pathways; thanks to the conscious mind, we know the power of our thoughts to effect change; thanks to polyvagal theory, we know that the nervous system affects all other systems of the body. As I started to shed layer after layer of ignorance about the connections among my mind, body, and soul, for the first time really witnessing myself, I began to comprehend the potential within to heal. We can unlearn and relearn as adults, even if we've endured significant trauma in our past. We can harness the power of our bodies to heal our minds and the power of our minds to heal our bodies."
By Nicole LePera
I love this paragraph from Nicole LePera's book. It reminds me of Carol Dweck's idea of the growth mindset.
"Though there were aspects of my being that were outside my conscious control, that didn't necessarily mean that I was at the whim of my body. It did not mean that because I lived with unresolved trauma and struggled with inflammation and poor vagal tone, I could never change. In fact, just the opposite was true: if my body could learn dysregulated ways of coping, it could also learn healthy routes to recovering. Thanks to epigenetics, we know that our genes are not fixed; thanks to neuroplasticity, we know that the brain can form new pathways; thanks to the conscious mind, we know the power of our thoughts to effect change; thanks to polyvagal theory, we know that the nervous system affects all other systems of the body. As I started to shed layer after layer of ignorance about the connections among my mind, body, and soul, for the first time really witnessing myself, I began to comprehend the potential within to heal. We can unlearn and relearn as adults, even if we've endured significant trauma in our past. We can harness the power of our bodies to heal our minds and the power of our minds to heal our bodies."
What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing
by Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry.
Chapter 6 of this book specifically focuses on how neglect is traumatic. What didn't happen to you is as important as what did happen to you. The love you did not receive can really mess up your relationships with others. The most ideal upbringing is to have safe, stable, reliable, nurturing relationships with a few close caretakers. It builds a sense of belonging and knowing deep down that you matter. Full engagement and attention from your caretaker ensures you know that you are important. Dr. Bruce Perry says "You cannot love if you have not been loved." A cold, disengaged, partially attentive caregiver can have immediate, and potentially lifelong, toxic effects on the developing child. This child may grow up feeling inadequate, unlovable. Even with many gifts and skills, they will feel they are "not enough" as an adult, and that can lead to a host of maladaptive behaviours including. unhealthy forms of attention seeking, self-sabotaging, or even self-destructive behaviours.
by Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry.
Chapter 6 of this book specifically focuses on how neglect is traumatic. What didn't happen to you is as important as what did happen to you. The love you did not receive can really mess up your relationships with others. The most ideal upbringing is to have safe, stable, reliable, nurturing relationships with a few close caretakers. It builds a sense of belonging and knowing deep down that you matter. Full engagement and attention from your caretaker ensures you know that you are important. Dr. Bruce Perry says "You cannot love if you have not been loved." A cold, disengaged, partially attentive caregiver can have immediate, and potentially lifelong, toxic effects on the developing child. This child may grow up feeling inadequate, unlovable. Even with many gifts and skills, they will feel they are "not enough" as an adult, and that can lead to a host of maladaptive behaviours including. unhealthy forms of attention seeking, self-sabotaging, or even self-destructive behaviours.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers
By Karyl McBride
The author has the most soothing and nurturing voice. I was so captivated by the tenderness in the way she speaks and appreciated her insights about the symptoms of a daughter of a narcissistic mother.
The most important step for recovering from childhood neglect that most people often skip is to process your feelings. What are the actual steps or actions you need to take in order to process your feelings? Karyl McBride explained that it is about acceptance and grief and feeling your feelings, i.e. don't distract yourself from feeling bad. She also recommends EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) to help with the processing. EMDR uses bilateral stimulation of the brain and helps desensitise the emotions so it feels less overwhelming to revisit old trauma.
Processing feelings is very different from just talking about them. To process means to talk about the trauma, and simultaneously feel the pain in a cacophonous, blasting, rock concert. You can tell something in a story without feeling it, but that is not processing. This is the only way to release trauma from your body.
The grief process begins with another decision: to let your feelings be there. Sit with those feelings. Sit with the pain. Manage the anxiety and depression that come with it so you can work through it. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. Others around you may try to do this. No one wants to see you hurt, and your loved ones may not understand how important this is, so don't listen to them. Let yourself feel!
You may begin to try to rationalise away the pain. "I shouldn't feel this way," or "I didn't have it that bad." This won't help. Whatever is there you need to release. Let it be. Sometimes in order to do this you have to be quiet and take time to be alone.
By Karyl McBride
The author has the most soothing and nurturing voice. I was so captivated by the tenderness in the way she speaks and appreciated her insights about the symptoms of a daughter of a narcissistic mother.
The most important step for recovering from childhood neglect that most people often skip is to process your feelings. What are the actual steps or actions you need to take in order to process your feelings? Karyl McBride explained that it is about acceptance and grief and feeling your feelings, i.e. don't distract yourself from feeling bad. She also recommends EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) to help with the processing. EMDR uses bilateral stimulation of the brain and helps desensitise the emotions so it feels less overwhelming to revisit old trauma.
Processing feelings is very different from just talking about them. To process means to talk about the trauma, and simultaneously feel the pain in a cacophonous, blasting, rock concert. You can tell something in a story without feeling it, but that is not processing. This is the only way to release trauma from your body.
The grief process begins with another decision: to let your feelings be there. Sit with those feelings. Sit with the pain. Manage the anxiety and depression that come with it so you can work through it. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. Others around you may try to do this. No one wants to see you hurt, and your loved ones may not understand how important this is, so don't listen to them. Let yourself feel!
You may begin to try to rationalise away the pain. "I shouldn't feel this way," or "I didn't have it that bad." This won't help. Whatever is there you need to release. Let it be. Sometimes in order to do this you have to be quiet and take time to be alone.
You Can Heal Your Life
By Louise Hay
I am very inspired by Louse's idea that all disease comes from stress. If you caught a cold, it's not because you got exposed to germs or a virus - we get exposed to germs and viruses everyday - the real reason is because we were stressed and our immune system wasn't strong enough to defend our bodies against those intruding disease.
She provides a list of ailments and what their probable cause is and what our new thought pattern should be. For example, the probable cause of anxiety is not trusting the flow and the process of life. The new thought pattern should be "I love and approve of myself and I trust the process of life. I am safe." The probable cause of blackheads is small bursts of anger and the new thought pattern should be "I calm my thoughts and I am serene." Or if you have breathing problems, it is probably due to fear or refusal to take in life or not feeling the right to take up space or even exist. The new thought pattern should be "It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I am worth loving. I now choose to live life fully,"
She is the queen of affirmations and recommends everyone to write, say, sing affirmations everyday. From the moment you wake up, repeat affirmations over and over.
I am wonderful and I love you. This is one of the best days of my life. Everything is working out for my highest good. Whatever I need to know is revealed to me. Whatever I need comes to me. All my relationships are harmonious. I am deeply fulfilled by all that I do.
She also advocates feeding the body with good nutrition as part of self love, which probably inspired me to study nutrition. Go on a diet of negative thoughts, and your weight will take care of itself.
By Louise Hay
I am very inspired by Louse's idea that all disease comes from stress. If you caught a cold, it's not because you got exposed to germs or a virus - we get exposed to germs and viruses everyday - the real reason is because we were stressed and our immune system wasn't strong enough to defend our bodies against those intruding disease.
She provides a list of ailments and what their probable cause is and what our new thought pattern should be. For example, the probable cause of anxiety is not trusting the flow and the process of life. The new thought pattern should be "I love and approve of myself and I trust the process of life. I am safe." The probable cause of blackheads is small bursts of anger and the new thought pattern should be "I calm my thoughts and I am serene." Or if you have breathing problems, it is probably due to fear or refusal to take in life or not feeling the right to take up space or even exist. The new thought pattern should be "It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I am worth loving. I now choose to live life fully,"
She is the queen of affirmations and recommends everyone to write, say, sing affirmations everyday. From the moment you wake up, repeat affirmations over and over.
I am wonderful and I love you. This is one of the best days of my life. Everything is working out for my highest good. Whatever I need to know is revealed to me. Whatever I need comes to me. All my relationships are harmonious. I am deeply fulfilled by all that I do.
She also advocates feeding the body with good nutrition as part of self love, which probably inspired me to study nutrition. Go on a diet of negative thoughts, and your weight will take care of itself.
Zero Limits
By Joe Vitale
The book starts by introducing the story of a therapist who cured an entire ward of mentally disturbed patients by healing himself while looking at pictures of these patients in his office. It was phenomenal. That man is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len who explained that he took 100% responsibility for the problems in these patients and resolved their problems using Ho'oponopono, a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. The simplest way to practice Ho'oponopono is to set your intention to heal and repeat the following:
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
Alternatively, you can listen to the absolutely beautiful Ho'oponopono song sung by Susan Osborn, Hanayo and Aman. The song repeats those phrases in English and Japanese.
The premise of Ho'oponopono is as follows:
1. The physical universe is an actualisation of my thoughts.
2. If my thoughts are cancerous, they create a cancerous physical reality.
3. If my thoughts are perfect, they create a physical reality filled with love.
4. I am 100% responsible for creating my physical universe the way it is.
5. I am 100% responsible for correcting the cancerous thoughts that create a diseased reality.
6. There is no such thing as out there. Everything exists as thoughts in my mind.
By Joe Vitale
The book starts by introducing the story of a therapist who cured an entire ward of mentally disturbed patients by healing himself while looking at pictures of these patients in his office. It was phenomenal. That man is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len who explained that he took 100% responsibility for the problems in these patients and resolved their problems using Ho'oponopono, a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. The simplest way to practice Ho'oponopono is to set your intention to heal and repeat the following:
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
Alternatively, you can listen to the absolutely beautiful Ho'oponopono song sung by Susan Osborn, Hanayo and Aman. The song repeats those phrases in English and Japanese.
The premise of Ho'oponopono is as follows:
1. The physical universe is an actualisation of my thoughts.
2. If my thoughts are cancerous, they create a cancerous physical reality.
3. If my thoughts are perfect, they create a physical reality filled with love.
4. I am 100% responsible for creating my physical universe the way it is.
5. I am 100% responsible for correcting the cancerous thoughts that create a diseased reality.
6. There is no such thing as out there. Everything exists as thoughts in my mind.
The Surprising Purpose of Anger
By Marshall Rosenberg
This is a spin off of the world famous book 'Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life' and specifically focuses on how to handle anger the NVC way. I learned that how we feel is the result of how we interpret the behaviour of others at any given moment.
The first step in handling our anger using NVC is to be conscious that the stimulus, or trigger, of our anger is not the cause of our anger. That is to say that it isn't simply what people do that makes us angry, but it's something within us that responds to what they do that is really that cause of the anger. This requires us to be able to separate the trigger from the cause. The second step is to be conscious that it is our evaluation of people--in the form of judgments that imply wrongness--that causes our anger. The third step involves looking for the need that is the root of our anger. The judgments we make of other people--which cause our anger--are really alienated expressions of unmet needs. The fourth step is to make a clear, present request of what we want from the other person in relationship to our feelings and unmet needs. We need to ask ourselves: "What do we want the other person to do differently than what they are now doing?" and "What do we want the other person's reasons to be for doing what we want them to do?"
Marshall Rosenberg proposes that vengeance is a distorted cry for empathy. Our real need is for those who hurt us to understand how we have suffered. We want them to hear the pain that goes on in our heart when they said certain things. We want them to see what needs of ours do not get met when he said that. We do not want to blame that person. To fully express our anger means putting our entire consciousness on the need that isn't getting met. There is a need that isn't getting met in there. We have to get that need met. We need the energy to motivate us to get that need met.
In summary:
1. Identify the stimulus for our anger, without confusing it with the evaluation.
2. Identify the internal image or judgment that is making us angry.
3. Transform this judgmental image into the need that it is expressing; in other words, bring our full attention to the need that is behind the judgment.
By Marshall Rosenberg
This is a spin off of the world famous book 'Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life' and specifically focuses on how to handle anger the NVC way. I learned that how we feel is the result of how we interpret the behaviour of others at any given moment.
The first step in handling our anger using NVC is to be conscious that the stimulus, or trigger, of our anger is not the cause of our anger. That is to say that it isn't simply what people do that makes us angry, but it's something within us that responds to what they do that is really that cause of the anger. This requires us to be able to separate the trigger from the cause. The second step is to be conscious that it is our evaluation of people--in the form of judgments that imply wrongness--that causes our anger. The third step involves looking for the need that is the root of our anger. The judgments we make of other people--which cause our anger--are really alienated expressions of unmet needs. The fourth step is to make a clear, present request of what we want from the other person in relationship to our feelings and unmet needs. We need to ask ourselves: "What do we want the other person to do differently than what they are now doing?" and "What do we want the other person's reasons to be for doing what we want them to do?"
Marshall Rosenberg proposes that vengeance is a distorted cry for empathy. Our real need is for those who hurt us to understand how we have suffered. We want them to hear the pain that goes on in our heart when they said certain things. We want them to see what needs of ours do not get met when he said that. We do not want to blame that person. To fully express our anger means putting our entire consciousness on the need that isn't getting met. There is a need that isn't getting met in there. We have to get that need met. We need the energy to motivate us to get that need met.
In summary:
1. Identify the stimulus for our anger, without confusing it with the evaluation.
2. Identify the internal image or judgment that is making us angry.
3. Transform this judgmental image into the need that it is expressing; in other words, bring our full attention to the need that is behind the judgment.
The Kindness Challenge
By Shaunti Feldman
Shaunti proposes that whether we thrive depends far more on how we choose to treat others than on how we ourselves are treated. The path to our happy place starts with one choice: whether or not to be kind. Especially when we really don't want to be. True, engaged kindness takes effort. Research shows that as we show kindness, even when it is undeserved, something changes, not necessarily in the other person, not yet, but in us. When we answer unkindness with grace and harshness with gentleness, those actions don't just preserve our peace of mind; they transform theirs.
The 30-day kindness challenge is designed to build a sustainable desire for and habit in each of three key aspects of kindness: avoiding negativity, finding and praising the positive, and performing kind actions that matter to someone else. What was surprising to me is that we are not as kind as we think we are. One of the ways that we are unkind is when we are suspicious. We think we are justified in being suspicious but what we are doing is believing in the worst of people's intentions rather than looking for a more generous (and usually more accurate) explanation. Suspicion sneaks its way inside our hearts and comes out of our mouths as negativity. Build a bridge even when you would rather battle.
In summary, the challenge requires you to pick someone with whom you want a better relationship with and do the following in the next thirty days:
1. Say nothing negative about your person, either to them or about them to someone else.
2. Every day, find one positive thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm about your person and tell them, and tell someone else.
3. Every day, do a small act of kindness or generosity for your person.
By Shaunti Feldman
Shaunti proposes that whether we thrive depends far more on how we choose to treat others than on how we ourselves are treated. The path to our happy place starts with one choice: whether or not to be kind. Especially when we really don't want to be. True, engaged kindness takes effort. Research shows that as we show kindness, even when it is undeserved, something changes, not necessarily in the other person, not yet, but in us. When we answer unkindness with grace and harshness with gentleness, those actions don't just preserve our peace of mind; they transform theirs.
The 30-day kindness challenge is designed to build a sustainable desire for and habit in each of three key aspects of kindness: avoiding negativity, finding and praising the positive, and performing kind actions that matter to someone else. What was surprising to me is that we are not as kind as we think we are. One of the ways that we are unkind is when we are suspicious. We think we are justified in being suspicious but what we are doing is believing in the worst of people's intentions rather than looking for a more generous (and usually more accurate) explanation. Suspicion sneaks its way inside our hearts and comes out of our mouths as negativity. Build a bridge even when you would rather battle.
In summary, the challenge requires you to pick someone with whom you want a better relationship with and do the following in the next thirty days:
1. Say nothing negative about your person, either to them or about them to someone else.
2. Every day, find one positive thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm about your person and tell them, and tell someone else.
3. Every day, do a small act of kindness or generosity for your person.
Forgiveness for Good
By Dr. Fred Luskin
Dr. Luskin founded the Stanford Forgiveness Project. His definition of forgiveness is the ability to live life without taking offense, without giving blame when hurt, and by telling stories that reflect peace and understanding; it means you become part of the solution. If you expect things to go wrong sometimes and you are ready with forgiveness, then you become a more powerful person. Just because someone hurt you does not mean you have to suffer indefinitely. We cannot end the cruelty that exists. What we can do is forgive the unkindness that comes our way and put energy into manifesting our positive intention i.e. the big goal that the grievance thwarted.
The most important thing I learned from this book is that whatever bad thing that has happened, I am not the first and will not be the last to suffer from this bad thing. Dr. Fred Luskin reminds us that painful experience is common and to understand that most offenses are committed without the intention of hurting anyone personally. While we did not cause bad things to happen, we are responsible for how we think, behave, and feel since those experiences occurred. It is our life, and our reactions and emotions to manage. Change our grievance story to a forgiveness story, where we become the hero instead of the victim.
Everybody makes mistakes. We all make bad decisions and act from poor information. Being human means you and I will fail at some things and cause other people harm. Needing to be perfect is an unenforceable rule. Wanting never to hurt anyone else is an unenforceable rule. Needing to be successful is always an unenforceable rule.
At a minimum, everyone can begin by offering a sincere apology for bad behaviour.
Forgiveness begins when we realise that we are not alone in whatever we did wrong. Remember, every mistake you make has been done thousands of times by other people. You created no new evil or managed no new failure.
Nine steps to forgiveness:
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened, and be able to articulate what about the situation is not okay. Then tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else. No one else even has to know about your decision.
3. Understand your goal. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who upset you or condoning their action. What you are after is peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the peace and understanding that come from blaming less that which has hurt you, taking the experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognise that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes--or ten years--ago.
5. At the moment you feel upset, practice the positive emotion refocusing technique to soothe your body's fight or flight response. Bring your attention fully to your stomach as you slowly draw in and out two deep breaths. As you inhale, allow the air to gently push your belly out. As you exhale, consciously relax your belly so that it feels soft. On the third full and deep inhalation, bring to your mind's eye an image of someone you love or of a beautiful scene in nature that fills you with awe and wonder. Ask the relaxed and peaceful part of you what you can do to resolve your difficulty.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognise the unenforceable rules you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship, and prosperity and work hard to get them. However, you will suffer if you demand that these things occur when you do not have the power to make them happen.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. In other words, find your positive intention. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who hurt you power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind yourself of the heroic choice to forgive.
By Dr. Fred Luskin
Dr. Luskin founded the Stanford Forgiveness Project. His definition of forgiveness is the ability to live life without taking offense, without giving blame when hurt, and by telling stories that reflect peace and understanding; it means you become part of the solution. If you expect things to go wrong sometimes and you are ready with forgiveness, then you become a more powerful person. Just because someone hurt you does not mean you have to suffer indefinitely. We cannot end the cruelty that exists. What we can do is forgive the unkindness that comes our way and put energy into manifesting our positive intention i.e. the big goal that the grievance thwarted.
The most important thing I learned from this book is that whatever bad thing that has happened, I am not the first and will not be the last to suffer from this bad thing. Dr. Fred Luskin reminds us that painful experience is common and to understand that most offenses are committed without the intention of hurting anyone personally. While we did not cause bad things to happen, we are responsible for how we think, behave, and feel since those experiences occurred. It is our life, and our reactions and emotions to manage. Change our grievance story to a forgiveness story, where we become the hero instead of the victim.
Everybody makes mistakes. We all make bad decisions and act from poor information. Being human means you and I will fail at some things and cause other people harm. Needing to be perfect is an unenforceable rule. Wanting never to hurt anyone else is an unenforceable rule. Needing to be successful is always an unenforceable rule.
At a minimum, everyone can begin by offering a sincere apology for bad behaviour.
Forgiveness begins when we realise that we are not alone in whatever we did wrong. Remember, every mistake you make has been done thousands of times by other people. You created no new evil or managed no new failure.
Nine steps to forgiveness:
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened, and be able to articulate what about the situation is not okay. Then tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else. No one else even has to know about your decision.
3. Understand your goal. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who upset you or condoning their action. What you are after is peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the peace and understanding that come from blaming less that which has hurt you, taking the experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognise that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes--or ten years--ago.
5. At the moment you feel upset, practice the positive emotion refocusing technique to soothe your body's fight or flight response. Bring your attention fully to your stomach as you slowly draw in and out two deep breaths. As you inhale, allow the air to gently push your belly out. As you exhale, consciously relax your belly so that it feels soft. On the third full and deep inhalation, bring to your mind's eye an image of someone you love or of a beautiful scene in nature that fills you with awe and wonder. Ask the relaxed and peaceful part of you what you can do to resolve your difficulty.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognise the unenforceable rules you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship, and prosperity and work hard to get them. However, you will suffer if you demand that these things occur when you do not have the power to make them happen.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. In other words, find your positive intention. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who hurt you power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind yourself of the heroic choice to forgive.
Hold Me Tight
By Sue Johnson
Sue Johnson is the co-founder of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). I found her ideas to be groundbreaking in its fresh perspective in viewing relationships and how our need to feel securely attached to our romantic partner is reasonable and acceptable. Her concept does not judge one's neediness as "codependent" but break downs how we need our partner to be available to us when it counts and how to communicate our need to our partner.
We all sometimes miss our loved ones’ calls for closeness. We all find ourselves distracted. We all get stuck in our own fear or anger and fail to catch loved ones as they fall. There is no perfect soul mate, no flawless lover. We are all stumbling around, treading on each other’s toes as we are learning to love.
If you do not see how you have hurt me, how can I depend on you or feel safe with you?
By Sue Johnson
Sue Johnson is the co-founder of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). I found her ideas to be groundbreaking in its fresh perspective in viewing relationships and how our need to feel securely attached to our romantic partner is reasonable and acceptable. Her concept does not judge one's neediness as "codependent" but break downs how we need our partner to be available to us when it counts and how to communicate our need to our partner.
We all sometimes miss our loved ones’ calls for closeness. We all find ourselves distracted. We all get stuck in our own fear or anger and fail to catch loved ones as they fall. There is no perfect soul mate, no flawless lover. We are all stumbling around, treading on each other’s toes as we are learning to love.
If you do not see how you have hurt me, how can I depend on you or feel safe with you?
Calling in The One
By Katherine Woodward Thomas
Katherine is a very compassionate and loving woman and is the founder of 'Conscious Uncoupling'. I was very inspired by the first chapter where she recommends that we grow our capacity to love and be loved.
You must be willing to grow yourself beyond the person that you are today. Because the person you are now is the person who has created the experiences that you have already had. As they say in the twelve-step programs, "Our best thinking got us here." As such, your task is to grow yourself healthier and stronger in order to create a space for a remarkable love to enter your life. As long as we are acting out the disappointments of our past, we will most likely remain frustrated and unfulfilled in our attempts to actualise love in our lives. However, once we have done the work to heal ourselves, it then becomes possible for us to bring the best of who we are to others.
Katherine explains that when we are taking actions that are in conflict with our values, there is often a tremendous drain on our sense of wholeness and wellbeing. If we can see our lives as a series of challenges that provide us with opportunities for growth, with the goal of advancing ourselves in wisdom and compassion, then it is easier to accept our past failures and disappointments. We want to be generous, loving and accepting of others.
We tend to like those who are generous with us, allowing us to make mistakes and be imperfect without holding it against us. When people are generous, we feel like we can breathe around them. We feel like we can be more authentically who we are. Generosity is a spacious phenomenon.
She quoted Leo Buscaglia's "Love", "If you want to learn to love, then you must start the process of finding out what it is, what qualities make up a loving person and how these are developed. Each person has the potential for love. But potential is never realised without work."
By Katherine Woodward Thomas
Katherine is a very compassionate and loving woman and is the founder of 'Conscious Uncoupling'. I was very inspired by the first chapter where she recommends that we grow our capacity to love and be loved.
You must be willing to grow yourself beyond the person that you are today. Because the person you are now is the person who has created the experiences that you have already had. As they say in the twelve-step programs, "Our best thinking got us here." As such, your task is to grow yourself healthier and stronger in order to create a space for a remarkable love to enter your life. As long as we are acting out the disappointments of our past, we will most likely remain frustrated and unfulfilled in our attempts to actualise love in our lives. However, once we have done the work to heal ourselves, it then becomes possible for us to bring the best of who we are to others.
Katherine explains that when we are taking actions that are in conflict with our values, there is often a tremendous drain on our sense of wholeness and wellbeing. If we can see our lives as a series of challenges that provide us with opportunities for growth, with the goal of advancing ourselves in wisdom and compassion, then it is easier to accept our past failures and disappointments. We want to be generous, loving and accepting of others.
We tend to like those who are generous with us, allowing us to make mistakes and be imperfect without holding it against us. When people are generous, we feel like we can breathe around them. We feel like we can be more authentically who we are. Generosity is a spacious phenomenon.
She quoted Leo Buscaglia's "Love", "If you want to learn to love, then you must start the process of finding out what it is, what qualities make up a loving person and how these are developed. Each person has the potential for love. But potential is never realised without work."
Conscious Uncoupling
By Katherine Woodward Thomas
Katherine proposes that a breakup is nothing short of a once in a lifetime opportunity to have a complete spiritual awakening and believes that we can use our shocking loss to break our heart open, expanding and enlarging our capacity to authentically love ourselves and others in the process. She encourages us to plant seeds of forgiveness, goodwill and generosity, so that in time our actions will grow to be a cornucopia of riches for ourselves and for those we love. I like the idea of post-traumatic growth and becoming well-adjusted, healthy, resilient, good-hearted adults because a clean conscience is worth more than money can ever buy. Give peace a chance.
She quoted Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh's characterisation of anger as garbage, "I recognise that there is garbage in me and I am going to transform this garbage into nourishing compost that can make love appear."
The rule of thumb: you want to be more interested in developing yourself than you are in defending yourself, more interested in being rigorously honest than being right.
You must be more devoted to creating safety, cohesion, and well-being for all involved than in being right or exacting revenge. You have to consciously create the possibility of an affirmative future while coming to terms with the painful loss of the future you'd envisioned. It's a little like building a plane while flying it, and it's not for the faint of heart.
You want to fully own your power, regardless of who someone else is choosing to be, refusing to give anyone the authority to determine how you are going to behave. Remember, kindness is contagious. It's hard for someone to stay mean and petty when you're behaving in ways that are consistently thoughtful, respectful and generous.
By Katherine Woodward Thomas
Katherine proposes that a breakup is nothing short of a once in a lifetime opportunity to have a complete spiritual awakening and believes that we can use our shocking loss to break our heart open, expanding and enlarging our capacity to authentically love ourselves and others in the process. She encourages us to plant seeds of forgiveness, goodwill and generosity, so that in time our actions will grow to be a cornucopia of riches for ourselves and for those we love. I like the idea of post-traumatic growth and becoming well-adjusted, healthy, resilient, good-hearted adults because a clean conscience is worth more than money can ever buy. Give peace a chance.
She quoted Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh's characterisation of anger as garbage, "I recognise that there is garbage in me and I am going to transform this garbage into nourishing compost that can make love appear."
The rule of thumb: you want to be more interested in developing yourself than you are in defending yourself, more interested in being rigorously honest than being right.
You must be more devoted to creating safety, cohesion, and well-being for all involved than in being right or exacting revenge. You have to consciously create the possibility of an affirmative future while coming to terms with the painful loss of the future you'd envisioned. It's a little like building a plane while flying it, and it's not for the faint of heart.
You want to fully own your power, regardless of who someone else is choosing to be, refusing to give anyone the authority to determine how you are going to behave. Remember, kindness is contagious. It's hard for someone to stay mean and petty when you're behaving in ways that are consistently thoughtful, respectful and generous.
How to Love
By Thich Nhat Hanh
This is a very short book by the famous Vietnamese Buddhist monk with simple statements of what love is. He proposes that understanding is the nature of love.
Understanding someone's suffering is the best gift you can give another person. Understanding is love's other name. If you don't understand, you can't love.
To understand, we need to listen. That person may be our partner, our friend, our sibling, or our child. You can ask, "Dear one, do you think that I understand you enough? Please tell me your difficulties, your suffering, and your deepest wishes."
Compassion means to "suffer with" another person, to share their suffering. When you love someone, you should have the capacity to bring relief and help him suffer less.
When you suffer, you may want to go to your room, lock the door, and cry. The person who hurt you is the last person you want to see. Even if he tries to approach you, you may still be very angry. But to get relief, you have to go to the person you love, the one who just hurt you very deeply, and ask for help. Become yourself one hundred percent. Open your mouth and say with all your heart and with all your concentration that you suffer and you need help.
Here are three sentences that may help.
First: "My dear, I am suffering. I am angry, and I want you to know it."
The second is: "I am doing my best." This means you are practising mindful breathing and walking, and you are refraining from doing or saying anything out of anger.
The third is: "Please help me."
By Thich Nhat Hanh
This is a very short book by the famous Vietnamese Buddhist monk with simple statements of what love is. He proposes that understanding is the nature of love.
Understanding someone's suffering is the best gift you can give another person. Understanding is love's other name. If you don't understand, you can't love.
To understand, we need to listen. That person may be our partner, our friend, our sibling, or our child. You can ask, "Dear one, do you think that I understand you enough? Please tell me your difficulties, your suffering, and your deepest wishes."
Compassion means to "suffer with" another person, to share their suffering. When you love someone, you should have the capacity to bring relief and help him suffer less.
When you suffer, you may want to go to your room, lock the door, and cry. The person who hurt you is the last person you want to see. Even if he tries to approach you, you may still be very angry. But to get relief, you have to go to the person you love, the one who just hurt you very deeply, and ask for help. Become yourself one hundred percent. Open your mouth and say with all your heart and with all your concentration that you suffer and you need help.
Here are three sentences that may help.
First: "My dear, I am suffering. I am angry, and I want you to know it."
The second is: "I am doing my best." This means you are practising mindful breathing and walking, and you are refraining from doing or saying anything out of anger.
The third is: "Please help me."
Positive Intelligence
By Shirzad Chamine
Shirzad proposes that we perform better when we are not under stress. At the time I still thought that I needed an inner critic in order to motivate myself to study harder, work more, etc. when in fact, I would succeed more if I was chill and had clarity of mind. Most successful, high achieving people are privately tortured by their own Judges.
The Judge's most damaging lie is that we are not worthy of love or respect by just being who we are. Instead, it forces us to constantly perform for them; this forms the construct of "conditional love". Only the Sage lets you achieve success without sacrificing happiness and peace of mind. Only the Sage knows that in his essence he is worthy of love, always. He is to never worry that he might lose it, regardless of his successes or failures and the ups and downs of life. The Sage perspective accepts every outcome and circumstances as a gift and opportunity. There is no such thing as a bad circumstance or outcome. Every outcome simply points to the first step towards the next positive outcome. The Sage moves you one positive step at a time, regardless of what life throws at you.
Ask yourself, what do we need to do so that within three years we can say this current crisis was the best thing that could have happened?
While the judge might push you into action through threats, fear, shame, or guilt, the Sage pulls you into action through anticipation of the joy of exploration and discovery; through the compelling and deeply seated human urge to find meaning in life and to matter; through the joy of creativity and possibility; through the longing of the human heart to connect, care, and be cared for; through appreciation of the mystery of life; and through a desire for clearheaded action toward desired outcomes. If you are feeling upset, disappointed, anxious, or resentful, you are judging. Indeed, that is how the Judge causes much of your distress in any situation. Your distress is not caused by what happened; it's caused by your Judge's reaction to it.
Shirzad Chamine proposes that there are five powers to the Sage:
1. To explore with great curiosity
2. To empathise with yourself and others and bring compassion and understanding to any situation
3. To innovate and create new perspectives and outside the box solutions
4. To navigate and choose a path that best aligns with your deeper underlying values and mission
5. To activate and take decisive action without the distress, interference or distractions of the Saboteurs
By Shirzad Chamine
Shirzad proposes that we perform better when we are not under stress. At the time I still thought that I needed an inner critic in order to motivate myself to study harder, work more, etc. when in fact, I would succeed more if I was chill and had clarity of mind. Most successful, high achieving people are privately tortured by their own Judges.
The Judge's most damaging lie is that we are not worthy of love or respect by just being who we are. Instead, it forces us to constantly perform for them; this forms the construct of "conditional love". Only the Sage lets you achieve success without sacrificing happiness and peace of mind. Only the Sage knows that in his essence he is worthy of love, always. He is to never worry that he might lose it, regardless of his successes or failures and the ups and downs of life. The Sage perspective accepts every outcome and circumstances as a gift and opportunity. There is no such thing as a bad circumstance or outcome. Every outcome simply points to the first step towards the next positive outcome. The Sage moves you one positive step at a time, regardless of what life throws at you.
Ask yourself, what do we need to do so that within three years we can say this current crisis was the best thing that could have happened?
While the judge might push you into action through threats, fear, shame, or guilt, the Sage pulls you into action through anticipation of the joy of exploration and discovery; through the compelling and deeply seated human urge to find meaning in life and to matter; through the joy of creativity and possibility; through the longing of the human heart to connect, care, and be cared for; through appreciation of the mystery of life; and through a desire for clearheaded action toward desired outcomes. If you are feeling upset, disappointed, anxious, or resentful, you are judging. Indeed, that is how the Judge causes much of your distress in any situation. Your distress is not caused by what happened; it's caused by your Judge's reaction to it.
Shirzad Chamine proposes that there are five powers to the Sage:
1. To explore with great curiosity
2. To empathise with yourself and others and bring compassion and understanding to any situation
3. To innovate and create new perspectives and outside the box solutions
4. To navigate and choose a path that best aligns with your deeper underlying values and mission
5. To activate and take decisive action without the distress, interference or distractions of the Saboteurs
Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
By Kristin Neff
Kristin Neff proposes that it is more helpful to have self compassion than to have self esteem. With the practice of self compassion, we are able to face unavoidable suffering. Suffering is a natural and shared human condition and is not necessarily just sadness but also humiliation, anger, guilt, stress and any other bad feeling. When we feel that bad feeling in our stomach, Kristin Neff recommends that we say to ourselves:
This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself.
The trick to this proclamation of kindness to ourselves is that we must say it for the purpose of giving ourselves compassion and not to get rid of any bodily discomfort. Kristen Neff also asks, "How would we treat a friend who's going through the same thing we are going through?" For whatever reason, we tend to be kinder to our friends than we are to ourselves. Acknowledge that being human is to be imperfect. Everyone overreacts sometimes, it is only human.
One myth we often tell ourselves is that we must be self-judgmental otherwise we wouldn't be motivated to improve. The truth is it is much healthier to be motivated by good intentions. Love is more powerful than fear. Notice the emotional pain from our inner critic and give ourselves compassion. Put our hands on our heart and tell ourselves, "hey I know this is hard right now, and it’s only natural you’re feeling so stressed. I’m here for you." Let's change our inner dialogue to a more encouraging and supportive voice. Let's nurture ourselves and keep our hearts open.
By Kristin Neff
Kristin Neff proposes that it is more helpful to have self compassion than to have self esteem. With the practice of self compassion, we are able to face unavoidable suffering. Suffering is a natural and shared human condition and is not necessarily just sadness but also humiliation, anger, guilt, stress and any other bad feeling. When we feel that bad feeling in our stomach, Kristin Neff recommends that we say to ourselves:
This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself.
The trick to this proclamation of kindness to ourselves is that we must say it for the purpose of giving ourselves compassion and not to get rid of any bodily discomfort. Kristen Neff also asks, "How would we treat a friend who's going through the same thing we are going through?" For whatever reason, we tend to be kinder to our friends than we are to ourselves. Acknowledge that being human is to be imperfect. Everyone overreacts sometimes, it is only human.
One myth we often tell ourselves is that we must be self-judgmental otherwise we wouldn't be motivated to improve. The truth is it is much healthier to be motivated by good intentions. Love is more powerful than fear. Notice the emotional pain from our inner critic and give ourselves compassion. Put our hands on our heart and tell ourselves, "hey I know this is hard right now, and it’s only natural you’re feeling so stressed. I’m here for you." Let's change our inner dialogue to a more encouraging and supportive voice. Let's nurture ourselves and keep our hearts open.