Leaning In

There is no rule that says you must heal your trauma or improve yourself. Everyone is entitled to their misery. There are lots of things that we do that are not the best for us and that's okay. For example, smoking is detrimental to our health but you are free to smoke. Being sedentary is not good for us but we don't exercise anyway. Thus, there is no shame in indulging in your vice. 

But if the goal in life is not self-improvement, then what are we all doing here? ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) provides a nice blueprint for those who are lost about where to set their north star. Below is the diagram of the "Choice Point". In any given situation, thought and feeling, we can move towards what matters to us or away from what matters to us.

​The underlying philosophy in this exercise is that ultimately, we are here to be more us. You are not trying to be a perfect human being. You are trying to be more you. For example, the foodies of this world really enjoys eating good food and would spend time, energy and money on Michelin star restaurants. Such activities would be "towards moves" for them because food matters to them and it generates joy for them. For people like myself who sees food as fuel and does not find pleasure in eating expensive food, we shouldn't force ourselves to eat at Michelin star restaurants because it's "good" - we look within and realise ah I'd rather spend money on other things that matter to me more. We should only go to Michelin star restaurants for other reasons, maybe because our other values is to be sociable or adventurous so we might do it in order to spend time with friends who are foodies or experience a new cuisine. The goal is to lean into your values and form a solid sense of self that's very you. 

However, there are many people who don't know what they want to be or what they like. Some of us are frozen when given too many choices in life. In that scenario, the attitude can be let's find out. This is our continuous exploration of ourselves. What makes us tick. What resonates with us. Who is our tribe. What feels natural and good to us. There is no rush in finding answers right away. We are allowed to take our time, explore, make mistakes and try again. Sometimes we make promises that we cannot keep because over time we realise those decisions are not for us. It happens all day, every day. If one of our values is trustworthiness and reliability, does that mean we have to stick to the decision we made in the past (although it no longer serves us) and betray our souls? No, you have to be willing to disappoint others and do what is best for you and preferably do it in a way that is respectful to the ones you are disappointing. Apologise and empathise with the pain that your actions have put them through and to the extent reasonable, alleviate the negative outcome on the disappointed party but stay firm and true to yourself.  

That guilt of disappointing other people can really eat at you, especially for people who have vulnerable or fluctuating self-esteem. When you don't see yourself, or your thoughts and feelings as important, it can be hard to assert your will onto others. It might feel easier to sacrifice your needs and wants to please another. Once again, you are entitled to your misery. There is no right or wrong. Sometimes that guilt is too overwhelming to bear and we choose to sacrifice what we want, convincing ourselves that it didn't matter to us that much anyway. If that is what you believe to be best for you given the circumstances, then by all means. The last thing you want to do is to beat yourself up for appeasing other people's needs. At the end of the day, we appease others and betray ourselves all the time, happens all day, everyday. While being more us is the north star, it doesn't mean every decision we make has to be pointed towards it. We are allowed to steer off. There is no rule to this thing. 

Most of us have lived through traumatic episodes that have left scars and coloured the way we see the world. Shouldn't the north star be set to heal that pain? This is a very good question because many people seek therapy to get rid of pain. The idea of self-improvement seems to suggest that an improved version of you should have less pain. That's not necessarily true. I personally love DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) and its parallel philosophy; the emotional regulation part of DBT has suggestions on how to get out of 'fight or flight' mode when you are triggered, and then the distress tolerance part of DBT teaches you how to accept the pain and sit with it. DBT invites us to both accept and change who we are and to use our wise mind for guidance.

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Any type of mindfulness based therapy, such as MBSR or MBCT, would encourage you to lean into the pain. The irony is that what we resist, persists. The more you try to get rid of the pain, the more it comes back. The only way out is in. So when you are flooded with anxiety and somatic pain, just let it in. Surrender to the pain. Let it burn to the depths of your soul. Just let go of controlling this pain and just let it run through you as if you're in an inevitable car crash. Yeah it hurts like hell. It's only human that we are capable of feeling the depths of such spiritual pain. ​

Once again, you are entitled to your misery, mistakes and vice. There is no rule that you must heal from your pain. If you are finding that you are making decisions that are perpetuating your pain or out of whack of who you want to be, that's okay. You are free to do everything and nothing, or waste your time and life away. So what if you are flawed just like the rest of us. ​

The most famous poem about mindfulness by Jalaluddin Rumi.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
​
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.